Too much advice, not enough information?

Sept. 18, 2011

Back when I first began this blog I wrote an entry Information is Key.  As I go deeper into this journey of being a family member of a serviceman I find this to still be true.  Now, however, I also have found that the SOURCE of the information is crucial.   Sure, there are people out there ready, willing and able to jump in and give advice. There is a major difference between information and advice.  Information should be based on clearly defined and verifiable sources.  It’s not to state what did happen but what should happen – based on a rule, regulation, order etc.  The problem is that  advice is usually based on their experience, which, in most cases translates to what their enlisted family member experienced.   

I can't be the only one noticing that Face book has groups popping up each day it seems.  Some are great but a lot are like the blind leading the blind when it comes to information and that's a little concerning. 

Now, I’m not saying sharing what happened with your Marine isn’t right or shouldn’t happen.  On the contrary, I think it’s great that people get to see the vast differences in how the USMC is experienced by various Marines.  Even something so simple as boot camp, simple in there is a clear training manual, clear rules and regulations followed by Drill Instructors and their command, yet it’s different for each recruit.  Their perception is different, their recollections may be inflated, (after all, we all know recruits never lie in letters).   One may have a horrible time of it, someone else seemingly breezes through.  Some have DI’s that are all business, some bend the rules a bit.   ALL these differences affect how a recruit will experience boot.  Yet most people, when asked a simple question – can my recruit have protein bars -  will NOT answer; it depends on the Drill instructor, do not send until your recruit requests it.  Nope, there will be a score of following posts, I sent my son a package each week – no problem,  I sent 800 bars no problem. I baked cookies - they loved them!   I sent without his asking – he had to eat them all / I sent without asking and nothing happened  blah blah blah.  Yes, that’s all probably true but the information is what the poster is seeking NOT the advice.  Give the info and let the poster decide what to do at that point. 

It gets more complicated as the Marine goes on, nothing is the same after boot for each one, ITB/MCT/MOS – again there is no same answer for each Marine as to how to expect the path to go.   It’s ever changing, fluid and, especially once they hit the fleet, sometimes dependent on what kind of Marine they are.  The Fleet especially has its own unique way of doing things unit to unit. Then there is taking into account how each BC manages his troops.  Life in the air wing is totally different from life on the groundside.   Logistics Marines will have a completely different time of it than Postal Clerk Marines,  PAO  a world away from Infantry.  

Through all of it though there are certain rules/regs that are consistent.  How to request leave ( how often it’s granted will vary wildly unit to unit).  How notifications are made, field day, drug issues, promotions (even though some MOS’ are notorious for very slow promotions due to cutting scores).  

I’ve learned to participate in the support but when it comes to when I need info I go to the inner circle.  Trust your sources, cultivate those that you know did their due diligence - that are telling you what should be. Read, there is a tremendous amount of information available online.  Research, ask questions, but examine the answers – though it may sound great to hear – Oh , LOL I did that and nothing happened, don’t put your Marine in the position of possibly having to answer for something you did because you received incorrect information.

When it comes to deployments what can or can’t be done is most definitely a unit to unit thing.  Each unit’s location and job will dictate what they can or can’t do or have on a deployment.  If the question is, I haven’t heard from my Marine in 3 days, should I worry.  The answer isn’t YES; I hear from mine every day;  the answer is a question – what job does your Marine have and is his location built up or have no amenities?   A Marine at Leatherneck has much more communication then someone out on an outpost depending on a satellite phone.   Same thing for care packages, needs are totally different.  This is where Family Readiness should be your go to for real information.    Sure ask for care package advice from all your online friends, but think about the locale before sending certain items – no matter how wonderful they sound!

I cherish my circle of support and I wouldn’t know what to do without them.  I had wonderful mentors who I listened to, realizing my 13 weeks of boot camp did not make me an expert it just made me an expert on his 13 weeks of boot camp.  I listened, I read, I asked questions, if given the opportunity I most certainly peppered a few SNCO’s  who, when realizing I was really interested and why , I write a blog for family members, were more then happy to talk to me. 

So find your way, surround yourself with support but filter the information. There are unit pages on line, there are support boards staffed by very knowledgeable people - try not to limit your source to be " I read it on face book so it MUST be true" :-) 

www.usmc.yuku.com
www.parrisisland.yuku.com

Marine Family Networks website

You've Got a Friend

"They also serve who only stand and wait".  John Milton
 

I've become a little self conscious, long time friends were not taking my calls,  I would join a group of people and those in the group would drift away one by one.  Maybe it's my perfume or shampoo?  No and no... it's my new obsession.  I can't seem to get through a conversation without mentioning the armed forces in general, the USMC in particular. 

If you've experienced the above, not to worry it's not terminal, it's not your perfume.. it's called having a loved one in the armed services.  And yes!  there is a support group for it, we don't have 12 steps to over come it but have faith .. usually 4 or 5 years will do the trick.

When my nephew uttered those words, "I've enlisted" I needed to talk .. and question and talk.  Not to him but to someone, anyone who had also heard those same words at some point.  Where to turn?  It became very clear, very quickly that no one I knew had any experience with this.  Not a friend or relative who could relate with the exception of my sister and well .. she was as brand new to this as I was.

I am one of those people that need information to be calm, I need to talk an issue to death, if need be, to be satisfied.   I also am very social, with a large circle of friends with a vast and varied amount of interests and experience - yet I was alone!  I was flying solo and feeling a bit isolated.  No one understood. Oh they could try but you know it's bad when you're standing in the mall and a song comes over the music system, tears just start to stream and everyone you're with looks anywhere but at you.   Friends would offer an ear but it became obvious fairly quickly that they couldn't fully comprehend the fear, the questions and the overwhelming need to be around those who 'got it'.

I was lucky and found an outlet online.  I had my questions answered, I was able say, "I got a letter today and cried at the sight of his name on the return address," and have people understand immediately what that meant.  I was no longer navigating this sea of confusion alone!  No need for long explanations - just say a few words and someone online had a similar experience, a shoulder to lean on or a sympathetic ear.  I had found another circle of friends.

All of these friendships began online, some have moved to off line, real life friendships.  It's facebook, usmc or parrisisland.yuku.com, it's a Marine Moms and Others monthly luncheon.   Are all of these people who's lives are now intersected with mine friends?  No, some I have nothing in common with outside of this shared experience of having a family member in the military.  Others would be my friend even outside of the military bond.  But all are there for me and for you - we offer each other the simplest form of friendship  - understanding forged in shared experience.  No questions, no evaluations, no judgement, just support.   We get the boot camp terror, we celebrate graduation, we cry for each word of deployment news, we CHEER homecomings.. WE GET IT!!!!!   I've found another family and it's not unlike my real family because at the very foundation it's based on understanding and love.  What can be better than that?

For me I've found one of the best, and easiest, ways to enlarge this circle is to get involved with a local charity - I've volunteered with The Wounded Warrior Foundation, Hope for the Warriors and the USO.  I send care packages, I participate in SFS events, I chat on facebook.   It works for me, it eases the feeling of being alone.   The more I get involved, the less my other friends run away, its a win win!  I have somewhere to talk about the military world and can now just deal with life's ups and downs with my old friends.  No one glazes over when I wander into a conversation.. I'm no longer going to obsess out loud.. I have an outlet!

There are so many groups out there that can use our help.  Search on google, if there are none.. start up a monthly group yourself, I bet there is one person living within a reasonable distance of you that can use the friendship.  There is probably a group close by that does a care package project - go join in the pack!!

Volunteer your time, there are organizations that can use the help... our family member volunteered, so honor their commitment by giving some of your time.  It ends up being a gift you give yourself, you help out and find that you've gained something in return - a new friend and that warm fuzzy feeling we all can use now and again.


Organize a lunch or a weekend.   I'm meeting some facebook friends and reuniting with my boot camp family next week in Jacksonville, NC.  Can't wait for the fun .. and a chance to either renew those bonds or make new ones.  If you're in the area, leave a note below, come out and join us!

 join the family - we're waiting! But know.. we might be the "Silent Ranks" but we are far from quiet.  For MY Marine Corps family of friends... I don't know what I would do without you!  


My group of online friends are doing a retreat of sorts which encompasses all branches of the military... We laugh, we cry, we learn... we revel in friendship and understanding. Heck it's not really that serious - we laugh a LOT.  We're our own 12 step group. come on down in October and join in the fun - 
SFS.BeachBlast@gmail.com for details.  You're not alone and don't ever feel that you are. 

So here are some suggestions to search - leave a comment if there is a group in your area that you would like added or just to share your experience -

Semper Fi Sisters - semperfisisters.com or visit on Facebook Semper Fi Sisters

Blue Star Mothers

The USO

Hope for the Warriors

Support Our Marines, Inc.

Soldiers Angels