Details, details, we want details!

He doesn't tell me anything! Who hasn't heard or said that before?

   

When speaking to various friends who are wives, girlfriends or moms it seemed to be the recurring theme.  That's not to say they are all tighter then a clam when it comes to communicating, but more often then not.. yep they are. 

 While I was with a group of Marine family friends it was one of the more enlightening moments of the weekend when everyone realized that they were not alone in the dark.  None of their Marines shared details; to some it seemed that even telling what was for breakfast that day was an OpSec violation.

How are you? Fine, how was your day? Fine, What did you do today? Not much.  Then there is the even more maddening response of "I don't know". You don't know?  How the heck can you not know?

Details!!  We want details... we want to know the smallest, most insignificant piece of information.  FINE? what exactly does fine mean?

    

 So... here's what I have discovered, Fine means - the heat is still on in the barracks, even though it's 85 degrees out.  Fine means that they had to stand in formation for 2 hours today; fine means someone failed room inspection and they lost liberty. Fine means that their day, well, is just their day. 

 

 Now- to uncover the details of said day takes some super sleuthing.  When you visit them, take one of their buddies along to dinner.  Listen when they talk to each other.  Their simple conversation reveals the secrets of their day to day. It's as if you don't exist or have suddenly gone deaf as they forget you're there and just talk.  Warning! Do not interrupt the flow and details, precious details, start to surface.  Another good tool, if you are staying at a hotel near a base and see a service member at the pool or in the lobby, strike up a conversation... you'll find out more in a 5 minute conversation with a stranger then in 5 days with your own.

Recently, while in Jacksonville, NC, 2 of my friends struck up a conversation with a young Marine at the pool.   I walked over, okay swam over, and listened to him explain in depth his job, how he trains, and ... brace yourselves... how he feels!   He is talking about feelings??    

After listening for some time I asked a simple question, " How much of this does your Mom know?"  This lovely young Marine smiled at me and said, "Oh I don't tell my Mom anything! She doesn't need to know this she'd worry!".  Now mind you, my 2 friends are both Moms and there he was, opening up and just spilling secrets... but it wasn't HIS Mom so the filter was off.  He was very patient, completely engaged in the conversation.  He was anxious to put their minds at ease by actually explaining things.  We, like travelers lost in the desert and stumbling upon a water hole, greedily lapped up all he had to say.

Of course, there will always be the things they cannot and should not share with us.  As family members we need to learn to discern when "I don't know" really means "I can't say".   This is hard and it's unpleasant but it's also not negotiable.  

Then there are also things that maybe we are better off not knowing.  It's hard to understand the mentality that now governs their lives.  Someone is being 'mean' to our loved one and we want to make it right.   Well, we can't.  It's time to sit back and let them figure it out on their own.  This is their reality, this is their life and we can't fix things.   

  

That's truly the hard part about details, sometimes too much information is as bad as too little.  Be careful what you wish for in a way.. because once you know something you now have to live with the knowledge and in some cases have no where to go with it. 

So tread softly, pull back a little, they want to own this part of their life. 

They also want to protect us from worry, which of course, breeds super worry but they don't get that.   Remember, you are not alone, it is not just your kid being stingy with information.  

And when all else fails, remember the secret, the buddy system, it works!