What's going on here?

We've all heard Marines say - in the 'old' Marine Corps....  well as a family member I'm starting to say the same.   The changes that are being noticed from the family side are startling and, in a lot of ways, quite upsetting.   It's nothing to do with the military side of things - oh no it has to do with the what's happening in groups across the Internet.    Unprecedented access to information all across the Internet.  Face Book acting as a gateway to others in a gazillion support groups.  A lot of information - not too much worry about the validity of it.    A lot of opinions, but few facts  and .... a lot of not understanding, respecting and bothering to learn about the USMC.   

It's become a free for all in many cases, people searching 'boot camp' and bam; you have your choice of a smorgasbord of groups to join.   Join one, join 5 - the more the merrier it seems!   In those groups are people who are chatting away, answering questions very often from an anecdotal point of view - rarely do you find a factual one.   "I asked MY Marine" ... yeah well your Marine has had 3 months experience and ONLY his experience - how does he know what is supposed to be?   All he knows is what was during his time.   Then the instant know it alls - I mean really!  Everyone is in a position to dispense advice and information after 3 months or 5 months of being in a Face Book group aren't they?   You can take it to the bank that most times they are not.   It's been  noted by many 'old timers'  that some of the seriousness which they approached their son/daughters enlistment and subsequent leaving for boot camp training is not as prevalent now,  it's like a big old party to see who can get away with what instead of learning that it's not what WE want to do and try to do it's all about coloring within the lines the USMC has laid out.   I hear way too often well it's MY CHILD and I can do what I want.    Um no - it's your adult child who is know answering to a higher power and that one trumps you most of the time.    What often gets lost is the warnings from those in the know, that pushing your agenda will not only have an adverse effect on your relationship BUT can also have a blow back effect on your Marine.   By then it's too late, your kid's in a world of hurt answering for your mistakes.   People listen please!!  No one here is looking to spoil your fun - but at the end of it all it's serious business and needs to be treated that way.    We all blow off steam and are silly but the overstepping is out of hand.     

I've had some people opine that 5,6,7 years ago when a recruit shipped off to boot camp it was pretty much with a guarantee that they'd see a combat deployment at least 1 time, if not more, during their first enlistment.  That was regardless of their MOS - if they were infantry you knew 2 or more were in the future.    That is no longer hanging over the heads of families when their recruits ship.  Oh sure there are events happening throughout the world but there are no longer a constant rotation of young men and women rotating in and out of Afghanistan.   Maybe the absence of that sheer terror factor is what has caused people to not 'get it' ...  They worry about phone calls and face time, about RA and back ups - not it seems understanding that the more phone calls / face time the less time spent training.    The more time they spend in the USMC atmosphere, even with MOS back ups, the better off they are.  RA is great but a new Marine will keep his focus on what he's learned and lived much more easily if he stays within the structure.  Oh yes, we miss them, of course we do but again... what may be better for us is not necessarily better for them.  They are gone from home, one foot at home and one in a base is no way to get moving forward.   They along with us have to make that break, understand that for the next few years at least - home is vacation and base is home.  Hard concept that eases a lot of pain later. 

This is a rant, it has no real beginning or end - I may be finished, I may be back to add more but all I know is for your sakes and your service members.   Respect the institution and play by their rules.   You'll be happier in the long run. 

Well Hello Again!

WOW - It's been quite a while and a lot of miles since my last entry here.   I could make all the usual excuses .. life got in the way... business got busy... dealing with the realities of loving someone in the military got me down.  While all of that may be true the honest answer is I forgot my sign on information!  Yes, lost the spreadsheet with all my information and well.. there you have it.   Trust me it's not for lack of things to blog about!   There have been many, many occasions over the last 2 years that I've said, " oh do I need to write in my blog about this!".   So while I couldn't share it with you at the time, I have been typing away and saving documents for the day that I could again share my opinions and thoughts, in addition to resources and information, with you all.  

There's been a lot of changes among my network of Military friends, many who had active duty are now family members of Veterans!  We have lost some of our Heroes as well as added to the ranks of Wounded Warriors.  Lots of tears and amazement at the strength of the family members and service members dealing with this first hand.    All the while, filling in behind us are new family members - all shiny and bright eyed- and I think a bit stunned by some of the cynical or jaded advice they are given.   It's hard to remember way back then, when we had no idea what was coming,  all we knew was the pride of having our loved one enlist in one of the branches of the military.  The pride is still there but the reality is as well.  It's really hard some days to care about not getting a letter from boot camp or basic,  worrying about losing one hot meal a day ( hey some of us remember when there were NO hot meals a day ),  and GASP! the best way to daily facetime/skype/message with a deployed loved one.  While I think its great I still can't quite wrap my head around that one. 

So get ready folks,  there will be some informative posts, some ranting posts, some reflective posts and through it all hope to keep my sense of humor intact.   

So glad to be back ! 

THE WAR IS OVER !?!?!?!!?

AH don't we wish!   It seems as if you can't turn on a news station or pick up a newspaper and not see the big bold headline " THE WAR IS OVER".   Sadly most people don't bother to read or listen further then the first few words and miss the most important part - In IRAQ!   The last time I, and I'm sure most you, checked things were still going strong in Afghanistan.  

Yes, the op tempo seems to have slowed down slightly, battalions, for the most part, are not on as a predictable schedule any longer. But... unless I've lost my mind, which after 3 years of this is entirely possible,  there's still quite a few of us either saying or gearing up to say our see you soon's to those faces we love so dearly. 

I have been stared at with complete dumbfounded expressions when I mention my Marine is making another trip to the big Ugly place. "Buuuut why? the war is over", is what I'm told with confusion written all over the face of the friend or acquaintance uttering that sentence.   Now - what a moment for me, part of me is ready to lash out at the person unfortunate enough to say this to me.  Then I remember, I am immersed in this life, I am privy to the comings and goings of units, I am tuned into the reality of what is put out there in the media is not necessarily truly reflecting what is happening.  Mostly I remember that a few short years ago I too was clueless to the reality of what was happening and bought in, pretty much hook, line and sinker, to the headlines.  I didn't know of this special underpinning of American society known as the military family.  That's not to say I was not well read in regard to the news of the day nor was I not well informed..  I just didn't take it further then - wow .. so the war is over great news!3  I think sometimes we forget how nice it was to be a bit ignorant of the realities of the military and how the bold headlines screaming great news, the TV running clips of Army soldiers reunited with their families did not necessarily tell the whole story.  

So what do I do when confronted with that maddening phrase - but the war is over?  I educated friends,  I don't get mad, indignant, insulted or annoyed.  I look at is as a teaching moment, a way to inform and pass on the word that NO the war is not over - just the war in Iraq is.   I share that the Marines, Sailors,Airmen and Soldiers are still leaving every day to fight in Afghanistan, that that war is going strong, still deadly and still requiring a constant supply of young men and women to support the efforts.     I see a lot of posting of people who are getting mad and lashing out at those who are ill informed -  so here's a suggestion, save the righteous indignation and use the moment, offer the person not only information but a way to help - tell them about making a donation to Semper Fi Sisters, Hope for the Warriors, Wounded Warrior Foundation, IAVA, Still in the Fight- tell them they can help out a military member by going to anysoldier.com or soldiersangels.com and make a difference in a young man or woman's deployment by showing their support via a care package.  You'll feel better for not getting your blood pressure up and, you'll probably find, the person you are talking to will be receptive.  We all are so aware of all these organizations but the average person has no idea they even exist.  Turn a bad moment into a wonderful opportunity.  How great is that? 

Too much advice, not enough information?

Sept. 18, 2011

Back when I first began this blog I wrote an entry Information is Key.  As I go deeper into this journey of being a family member of a serviceman I find this to still be true.  Now, however, I also have found that the SOURCE of the information is crucial.   Sure, there are people out there ready, willing and able to jump in and give advice. There is a major difference between information and advice.  Information should be based on clearly defined and verifiable sources.  It’s not to state what did happen but what should happen – based on a rule, regulation, order etc.  The problem is that  advice is usually based on their experience, which, in most cases translates to what their enlisted family member experienced.   

I can't be the only one noticing that Face book has groups popping up each day it seems.  Some are great but a lot are like the blind leading the blind when it comes to information and that's a little concerning. 

Now, I’m not saying sharing what happened with your Marine isn’t right or shouldn’t happen.  On the contrary, I think it’s great that people get to see the vast differences in how the USMC is experienced by various Marines.  Even something so simple as boot camp, simple in there is a clear training manual, clear rules and regulations followed by Drill Instructors and their command, yet it’s different for each recruit.  Their perception is different, their recollections may be inflated, (after all, we all know recruits never lie in letters).   One may have a horrible time of it, someone else seemingly breezes through.  Some have DI’s that are all business, some bend the rules a bit.   ALL these differences affect how a recruit will experience boot.  Yet most people, when asked a simple question – can my recruit have protein bars -  will NOT answer; it depends on the Drill instructor, do not send until your recruit requests it.  Nope, there will be a score of following posts, I sent my son a package each week – no problem,  I sent 800 bars no problem. I baked cookies - they loved them!   I sent without his asking – he had to eat them all / I sent without asking and nothing happened  blah blah blah.  Yes, that’s all probably true but the information is what the poster is seeking NOT the advice.  Give the info and let the poster decide what to do at that point. 

It gets more complicated as the Marine goes on, nothing is the same after boot for each one, ITB/MCT/MOS – again there is no same answer for each Marine as to how to expect the path to go.   It’s ever changing, fluid and, especially once they hit the fleet, sometimes dependent on what kind of Marine they are.  The Fleet especially has its own unique way of doing things unit to unit. Then there is taking into account how each BC manages his troops.  Life in the air wing is totally different from life on the groundside.   Logistics Marines will have a completely different time of it than Postal Clerk Marines,  PAO  a world away from Infantry.  

Through all of it though there are certain rules/regs that are consistent.  How to request leave ( how often it’s granted will vary wildly unit to unit).  How notifications are made, field day, drug issues, promotions (even though some MOS’ are notorious for very slow promotions due to cutting scores).  

I’ve learned to participate in the support but when it comes to when I need info I go to the inner circle.  Trust your sources, cultivate those that you know did their due diligence - that are telling you what should be. Read, there is a tremendous amount of information available online.  Research, ask questions, but examine the answers – though it may sound great to hear – Oh , LOL I did that and nothing happened, don’t put your Marine in the position of possibly having to answer for something you did because you received incorrect information.

When it comes to deployments what can or can’t be done is most definitely a unit to unit thing.  Each unit’s location and job will dictate what they can or can’t do or have on a deployment.  If the question is, I haven’t heard from my Marine in 3 days, should I worry.  The answer isn’t YES; I hear from mine every day;  the answer is a question – what job does your Marine have and is his location built up or have no amenities?   A Marine at Leatherneck has much more communication then someone out on an outpost depending on a satellite phone.   Same thing for care packages, needs are totally different.  This is where Family Readiness should be your go to for real information.    Sure ask for care package advice from all your online friends, but think about the locale before sending certain items – no matter how wonderful they sound!

I cherish my circle of support and I wouldn’t know what to do without them.  I had wonderful mentors who I listened to, realizing my 13 weeks of boot camp did not make me an expert it just made me an expert on his 13 weeks of boot camp.  I listened, I read, I asked questions, if given the opportunity I most certainly peppered a few SNCO’s  who, when realizing I was really interested and why , I write a blog for family members, were more then happy to talk to me. 

So find your way, surround yourself with support but filter the information. There are unit pages on line, there are support boards staffed by very knowledgeable people - try not to limit your source to be " I read it on face book so it MUST be true" :-) 

www.usmc.yuku.com
www.parrisisland.yuku.com

Marine Family Networks website

The OpSec Police.

  We all know them, we've probably been called out by them at some point.   That person connected to your unit that takes OpSec as their personal crusade and seems to scour the Internet, face book usually, so they can pounce on what they deem to be a violation.   Now do people post info that they shouldn't? absolutely - should they be called out publicly on it? In my mind - no.  No one responds well to a public rebuke or attack.   Some people honestly just don't know ,  some get excited and forget,  some just need a little education and yeah some feel that it's their God given right to say what they want , when they want, how they want - after all isn't that what their Marine is fighting for? Before I get a public flogging - no I do NOT agree with the last example but those people are out there.

Being involved with many Marine family groups and friends with a lot of Marine moms, dads,spouses and assorted family members brings knowledge to all of us that is not usually known to the general public.   We know of units coming and going, deployments moved up or locations changed.  We know from talking to a friend, that a unit is going somewhere that isn't mentioned in the media.  We read newspapers, the Internet, listen to radio shows, watch TV and hear things that don't always jive with what we know is happening.

How to reconcile what we know is going on with what we hear is going on - worst yet, since the info we're privy to is supposed to be secure, we can't talk about it.   Where is the line that crosses our right to speak and live freely crossed over with OpSec (Operational security)?  When is OpSec taken too far or not taken seriously enough and - really - what is OpSec ?
In truth, as a family member we're not under any obligation ( other then the desire to keep our loved ones safe) to practice OpSec.   Who decides what and how a family member should practice it?  The OpSec guidelines for families is different then the OpSec rules and regs under the current MARADMIN  that our Marines have to follow.

We are told do not discuss current or future destinations, dates or times of troop movements, yet, pick up a news paper and there it is in black and white - a list of what units going where and when ( not an exact date but usually close enough!).  Now, how is it that WE are held to this very high standard but simultaneously that same info is published in the news? How is it not completely confusing for everyone concerned and really - why is it published anywhere?

A few months ago there was a heated debate on the subject on a face book page that belongs to a group of embedded reporters.  It degenerated to some very nasty remarks being thrown at posters and really at the end of the debate, not much was resolved.

What to do and how to do it?  I'm not an OpSec expert and hope I don't fall into the category of Opsec Nazi but seriously folks - a little common sense goes a long way.

First , ask your service member how much  he/she would like you to post publicly about their business.  To me that's the single most important part that most people forget - it's not our life or our job it's our service members!  Let them set the boundaries and please listen to them.  I've heard Mom's state that their son's asked them not to post anything but they continue to because it's the Mom's "right" to vent her feelings and fears - which includes info about deployments.  That may not end well for the service member in question if their command gets wind of it.

 We have all seen the posts- "Please pray for my son as he heads out on a mission ".   Well now - is that in and of itself too much info? Of course not, but , scroll down the page a bit, I bet you'll find that said Marine is in x battalion, xx company, xxx squad and is at XXX FOB or city in 'stan.   So now the games changed a bit - there all in one place is all the info anyone needs to put together a full story.   Is it done maliciously or even intentionally  - of course not - but there it is and yeah the OpSec Police descend like locusts -

SO seriously - what guidelines should we follow?   Who should we listen to and when is it taken too far in the policing of the posts?
Here's how I see it -
#1 Before you call someone out on it - you best acquaint yourself with the official version of OpSec.   .
#2 Be smart, if you wonder, should I post this - this answer most likely is NO.
#3- If you see someone has put too much out there , don't post on their wall, take a minute, send a private message and don't attack, explain.  Think that possibly this person, incredible as it may seem, just doesn't know!
#4 - Listen to your service member and respect their wishes and opinions - remember that THEY are responsible for us and our actions, they have to answer for it and in my world, I'd never want to be the one that caused my Marine to get called in to get me under control.
#5 - When in doubt, just go with vague - it's perfectly OK to say , my Marine is in Afghanistan, he's doing fine and will be home soon.  NOT My Marine in 3/3 is in Now Zad  - they are hungry, hot, tired and just want to come home - he's coming home in March.  ( yes I've seen just that much info posted - of course not the exact info since I'm taking artistic license).
#6 - Be kind to each other, think of the mindset of the person posting and address them with respect.  We're all here to support, educate and HELP each other, not tear each other down.
#7 - Get in touch with your family readiness and let them handle it if you see someone out there that is obviously not clued into the rules.  Family Readiness has been through courses that have taught them how to deal with these situations in a non combative manner.

As for me, personally I err on the side of caution, I follow the OpSec guidelines laid out by family readiness - are they stricter then the official OpSec rules - yes - is that a problem for me? absolutely not!   But again that's what works for me. Everyone has to find their comfort zone and live within it - just remember - keep 'em safe please !  Someone you love is depending on it

Sometimes it takes a Wall to break down our walls

I wanted to follow up on my post of March 1st titled   Walls  It was about my constant hold on my emotions and fear of letting them go.

Well, it happened and I survived the moment.

I was at Camp LeJeune for 10 day visit for homecoming.   Over the course of a week I watched bus after bus pull up, families reunited with their loved one, Fathers meeting their new babies for the first time, Wounded Warriors standing tall greeting their brothers as they came home.  At the same time, I also attended a send off, seeing a friend leave for his deployment.  It was an emotional turmoil of days, stressful, joyful, tiring.  I'll write more on that in another post.

So finally a day off, nothing to do , no where to be, no one to talk with, be Miss Congeniality too.  Just me and myself.   What to do what to do.  I craved some solitude - a chance to get back on an even keel.   In my many visits to Jacksonville, NC I had always wanted to visit the Memorial Gardens outside of Camp Johnson.   It was a beautiful sunny day and I decided the perfect place to regroup.

I drove over and it is a beautiful spot; quiet, peaceful just what I wanted.   I normally head to the water when I need to re- energize but the moment I pulled into the parking lot I knew I had headed for the right place.

After taking it in from afar,I first walked over to the Sept 11th Memorial, being a NYC resident it holds a special meaning to me.  I lost family and friends there and to touch a piece of the steel that had been part of the Trade Center was profoundly moving for me.   I then walked over to take in the Beirut Memorial - what struck me  - afterthe starkness of names chiseled into the stone was the inscription - " THEY CAME IN PEACE".
Then I started walking towards the Vietnam Memorial.  For those who haven't been - it's a circle made up of glass panels, in side is a reflecting pool with a fountain.  The glass panels are engraved with the names of all who were lost during the Vietnam War.   If my research is correct it's the only  other place in the country aside from the memorial in Washington DC that has every name.   I walked along, touching a name here and there, noticing as the sun shown through the panels the names are reflected in shadow on the ground.    I sat down at the reflecting pool, staring at all these panels and just started to cry.  I cried for every name listed, I cried for each of their loved ones that suffered the loss.  I also cried for all of us - it hit me as I walked that one day, I'm sure, there would be others added to these 3. One dedicated to Operation Iraqi Freedom and to Operation Enduring Freedom.  The names then would not be strange to me, it would be the names of friends sons, daughters, wives and husbands.  An acquaintances grandchild, nephew or niece.   It would be our service members testament to their brothers and sisters.   I already know too many of those names that will one day be chiseled on to granite or glass.  So I cried and I cried .. I cried from the relief of being able to hug my Marine and so many of his buddies and say "Welcome Home".  I cried for my friends who will never be able to do the same.  I cried for us all, as this war takes its ugly toll on so many in the form of PTSD and horrific injuries that we will deal with for years to come.  I finally allowed myself the grief that I'd been holding back, the sadness that invades my heart and soul at each announcement.

Without consciously being aware of it, I went to the exact right place to find the peace I craved.  I needed to break down - it was the only way for me to go on, stronger then ever.   It was a cleansing of my mind, my heart and my soul.  It renewed me and my commitment to not only talk the talk but walk the walk to help in any way I can.  It enabled me to renew my dedication to Family Readiness and it's educating and helping family members - to ensure the 'silent ranks' are not so silent.  It revitalized me to continue my volunteer work with an organization that aids Wounded Warriors.  It made up my mind to find a way to get involved with groups seeking to help those with PTSD live their lives in a better way and that no one with PTSD should ever have to fear that seeking help would endanger their service careers.  

  Then I drove over to the barracks and spent some time around Marines, laughing at their silly antics, taking solace in that no matter what they've seen there are times they can still be silly boys.  Pranks, jokes, ridiculous stories... listening to them plan the weekend... the future.

So I'll go on, shaking off the sadness, not giving in to the terror - why? Because in doing so, for me, it allows me to live my life exactly how I choose too, not paralyzed by fear, not missing out on the NOW because I'm so worried about the future.  I'm sure I'll have myself another few good cries in the next few years, it's part of my process but for me - I'd rather laugh and dance when I can.

In retrospect, I find it very interesting that it took visiting Walls to breakdown my own walls.

                                                                 Beirut Memorial

                                                         Sept 11th Memorial

                                                            Vietnam Memorial

Welcome Home!

they say a picture is worth a thousand words 

this one says it all 

Boots down on USA soil!

Rounding third....

and heading for home it's a brown, blue, green eyed handsome maaaaaannnnnn ( or woman ). 

There are few moments of sheer, unadulterated joy when part of a military family.   One is the day of boot camp graduation, the other the end of a deployment.    Both seem to make me want to dance.. and sing ... oh yes, that old song in the heart that just needs to come out...

One day you peek at your Donut of Misery and can't quite believe what it says... can it be ?  Time flashes back to the first day you install it, then open it up and bummer it says 0% gone and a loooooooong way to go to the end.   Personally, I treat it like a scale while on a diet, I don't look every day, there's little movement and that's a bit depressing.  The one day, magically there's a lot more time gone then there is to go!   A little increase in heart rate and a slight weight lifts off.   I say slight because there is a whole 'nother level of anxiety associated with the waning month(s) of a deployment.  The fear is palpable, the stress almost unbearable.  You want to believe that it's almost done, they are almost safe but ... well until all they are standing in front of you it's still hard to take that full deep breath.   Sleep becomes even more fitful.  Wait now, isn't this supposed to be the good time?!?

A week or so passes and a check list is started, a stop mail date is given, a foot locker magically appears, covered in dust and locked but you know someone you love has touched it.  Other's in your unit start to get more chatty, nervous talk but the need to talk is overwhelming.  No one wants to speak the fear out loud, you feel the excitement building but it's a cautionary optimism.    Which quite frankly pisses me off.   I want to jump up and down, I want to scream out IT'S ALMOST OVER! But, nope ... it's still said in whispers, daring to put it out into the universe is tempting fate in a way.  So, inside, deep inside the flutters begin. 
More items checked off, it's getting harder to contain the feelings, then oh happy happy day, a window!  Who cares if it's vague and 3 weeks wide... it's real, unavoidable proof that there is an end to this period of time.   Things start to move, plans start to be made and of course, the inevitable food requests start to come in.   

 Oh to be in Carolinaaaaaaaaaa.....

I digress but it's so funny to me that food is an underlying current to all they do and seemingly is how we can start to mark the end of different periods of time.   Boot camp letters start to be solely about what they want, when they want it and how much they will eat of it.   Deployment calls, emails and chats are all about - what I want and what to have waiting in the cooler for them.   You start to also sense the excitement of coming home building 'over there'.   Ends of chats are not talk to you soon, they are a bit more definite, see you soon, see you in a month, 3 weeks, a week, SOON!!!
Over here things feel lighter, they start to take on brighter colors, laughs come a bit easier.   3 week block hotel reservations are made, ( those poor hotel reservation people, they do put up with a lot !),  cell phone #'s are exchanged. 
All of a sudden there are very few items left on that old check list.   The date window shortens,  a frenzy of phone calls,  daily stalking of the hot line begin.  Rumors, oh what would the USMC be without rumors, start - I heard they are coming home on X, well I heard XX , nope I'm sure it's XXX.   Dates go out and emails come back, you are wrong, where are you getting these dates? My LCpl says it's X  -  well sorry ma'am but the Sgt Major gave us these dates I'll be happy to pass on that he's wrong though.   Semper Gumby makes his inevitable appearance, dates start to shift and change daily,  normally calm people start to get a little bit testy.  WAIT , this is happy time no?  Apparently not yet. 

Where else could an end to something be so happy? Where else do you get ONE day to breath, one day to just say oh yeah, this is a good day?   The minute they get on that bus to leave we start the homecoming countdown, now it seems that the minute they step off that bus we start to wonder, how long will we have them for this time? How long before they ship out again?   

So enjoy that day of joy, they are far and few between, but when they are here, it is real, it is intense and it is a moment to treasure. 

But that one day, it's time to sing... so let's hear it for the boys... let's give those boys a hand........

Military Family

It seems that I have a, seemingly, never ending conversation with friends regarding the lack of knowledge in the general public regarding the military in general and military families specifically.




I have friends talking about how they are constantly questioned as to what their Blue Star pin or flag in their window represents. How no one recognized why they wear a red shirt on Friday. But mostly it’s about how most people just don’t get it.



I had an interesting experience yesterday that I’d like to share. I was meeting a perspective client for the first time. We met, introduced ourselves and then she turned to lead the way into her home. We chatted for a few moments; she was not the friendliest, not rude but a bit standoffish. Since I speak to people and keep eye contact I didn’t see it until she turned again to walk us into her home office and the light glinted off of something on her blouse. I asked her to turn around again and then said, so, is it your son or daughter in the military? She looked at me a bit startled, glanced around her living room; there were no pictures up, then back to me with a big question mark on her face. I noticed your pin, I’m a Blue Star Aunt of a Marine.

Well folks, the smile broke out on her face as she said, with the pride all of you know so well – My son, he’s in the Air Force. Her whole demeanor changed and she just started to talk. After the usually qualifying... which service, how long, where is he, where’s he been, where’s he going conversation she said to me, “You are the first person that’s ever known what it meant”.



When we were done with our business, she invited me back to sit and chat for a bit in her living room. It’s the first time I’ve ever met someone cold that also had a family member in the military and was a bit surprised, happily, to realize that the sense of family extended to complete and utter strangers. We had a common thread that was larger then life, it was vital and it was amazing. It didn’t matter that it was a different branch of service, the commonalities were apparent. We knew without asking that each had suffered through the shock of boot /basic training, the fear of the unknown, the pain of a deployment. We also shared the great pride in our respective serviceman that is the wonderful side of this trip. We spoke about how they have grown, the difference between them and other’s the same age. We discussed the maturity and sense of responsibility that marks them from those in their peer groups. I think about how we are everywhere but this is the first time I had that confirmed. It was a wonderful meeting and it reinforced my firm belief that this family we have found ourselves in is strong and most importantly, we are vital to each other. We should not be an unknown undercurrent of life in the USA, we should be celebrated and respected, not shrugged off or ignored. We are also powerful in our numbers, we can effect change – so what do YOU want to do with that power?

it's March !

I've been reading over my last few posts and I seem to be showing my dark side. It happens to the best of us, how I wish it could always be sunshine and light.  This roller coaster ride we all are on for sure has all the aspects of a real one doesn't it?

I guess I'm tired and worn out and just ready for some really boring garrison months.   I am part of family readiness and while it's a very rewarding position it's keeps one pretty busy.   At this point it also is a little stressful, phones ringing, emails pinging, texts blowing up my phone. It's all good though,  if in 7 months I was able to help just 1 person find some peace, get some information, made their day easier then it's all been worth it.

SO it's March - new beginnings, flowers starting to bud, baseball news ... sunnier days, warmer weather...  today was a beautiful day here and as I ran my errands I realized people were out there smiling.  What a great thing to see after all of the grumpy faces that the long cold winter caused.

this seems a good a time as any to talk about Family Readiness -

Full disclosure, I'm a huge fan of the Family Readiness program, I think as it develops it's going to be an amazing tool for both parents/extended family members and spouses.   It's still a new program and as with anything new it does have it's growing pains.   Some FRO's, Family Readiness Officers, are great, some not so much.   From speaking with other Marine family members I've begun to notice a bit of a pattern, the better run programs seem to utilize family volunteers on a much more regular basis.  Folks, yes the FRO gets paid to do a job but in reality the job is huge.  Especially during a deployment, but even while in garrison the FRO is going hard mostly all the time.    If you have a FRO that does not respond promptly, hasn't been doing news letters, ( while in garrison this would be every few months, while deployed usually monthly),  then consider asking them if you can volunteer to help.  You don't have to live near the base - especially on the parent/extended family side of it - practically no one lives near a base.   What you do is become a point of contact for family members - the less involved issues can usually be handled by a volunteer ( is there a 96 coming up,  can I ship my Marine packages,  what's a good hotel in the area).   To be clear, you are not involved with your Marines Seniors, they don't even have to know you are part of the program at all if that's how you choose to go about it.  It's all about helping to liaise between the USMC/Unit and families.    The extent of what you do is determined by you.   The way to make things better is to do something - not sit home and complain about it!   The other misconception is that it will spotlight your Marine  this is not so, you're Marine will get more attention by an Opsec violating post on face book by you then by your volunteering.      If all else fails and you are having problems with communication from your FRO,  there is a main # on each bases website for the  family's page.   Call and ask for any advice to get the info you need/want.   The success of the Family Readiness depends on two things - one the Family Readiness team but the other is the family members communicating what they would like to see from the team.

In any event, if you do decide to go the volunteer route I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!!!

Walls

About 2 weeks ago I received a call informing me that a dear friends father had passed away.  I've known the family for 35 years and though saddened I wasn't overly so.   He was in his late 80's, his quality of life due to illness was not what one would have hoped and most importantly, had lived a good and full life.   My lack of reaction was not too much of a concern to me.   Then over the weekend I received another call, this same friends brother in law had passed away suddenly, leaving his wife and 2 college age children.   Again, my reaction was sadness but not grief and now I was getting a little concerned.   I am not overly emotional in general, but, my lack of real reaction to this news was off kilter for me.   

I started to get a bit concerned that the constant bombardment of death, of horrific injuries coming out of Afghanistan had de- sensitized me.  Was I actually so used to this that my reaction would be so tempered?    Each DoD announcement I open with dread, I steel myself and, not actually but in theory, open the email with my hands over my eyes, peeking through my fingers like one would a scary movie.  I do not frequent the icasualty website, I just can't watch the #'s rise.   Every time I hear of another KIA it's as if a pin is stuck in my heart - it breaks for the loss, for the service member and their family.  It aches for the death of the dreams - for the end of a future.  Yet I don't cry.

I am far from cold, usually extremely sympathetic and even empathetic.  So what the heck is going on?

Well I think I figured it out tonight.   I went to the wake and as I was saying good bye my newly widowed friend came over, understandably in tears.   Finally I felt it, the tell tale signs that tears and emotion were bubbling to the surface.  Then - I shook my head, straightened up and it was gone.   GONE!!!!  Another old friend looked at me a bit oddly, she had seen my eyes well up and watched me literally shake myself and be fully composed.   Knowing me well she wanted to know first, how did I just do that and second - why ?
We went outside to talk about it a bit and in speaking to her I realized what it was.   I just looked at her and said, "Stacey, if I start I'm afraid I'll never stop".

I'll cry for Blake, Wayne, Gabe, Jeffrey, Cody, Doc... I'll cry for each of the 3000+ who have given their lives.  I'll sob for Matty, Tj, Rod and Ski - for all our wounded warriors who came home, but are learning to live differently.  I'll break down and possibly not come back from the tragedy of  all who are living with the horrible effects of PTSD.   I'll scream at the night for the loss of innocence - for the visions these kids will carry with them all of their lives.  Finally I'll dissolve in a river for all the Gold star and Purple Heart family members out there who had to bury a loved one, who have to watch their child or spouse struggle to make sense of it all.  For all the Blue Star families who have to wave their loved ones off to war with a stoic face.   The longer I'm around my military family, the more  awestruck I am with us all.  

The oddest part of it all is the times I do cry.  I've been reduced to tears by someone inquiring about my nephew, for their concern for his safety.  I've cried at care package packs - overcome at the outpouring of love and support from those there, many of whom do not have a loved one overseas or in the military.  It was a major tissue alert the day I walked into my neighborhood deli and they proudly showed me 6 cartons of goodies to send to my nephews battalion.   I had to leave an event over the holidays as I watched my town's citizens literally pour into a holiday care package donation party - their generosity for men and women they would never meet but whom they wanted to make sure knew Americans had not forgotten them quite literally overwhelmed me.

I'm very strong and I realized I had built a wall to protect my heart, the weight of all the sadness is just too much some days. Now don't get me wrong, I acknowledge the emotion, I feel the sadness, the full weight of the moment but don't live there.  I'm far from an ostrich, I'm actually pretty much a brutal realist.    I had to find a way to not let it color my every day.   So to fight it, to save myself the constant battering of emotion - I just don't allow myself the luxury of giving in - it's the only way for me to deal.    I'm sure the day will come when I sit down and have myself an awesome cry.  This isn't a constant of how I am, it seems to directly relate to dealing with deployment.  So for now, I'll continue to live inside the wall - not because it's safe, it's not - not because it feels better, it doesn't - only because, I really am afraid I'll never stop.

I'm waiting.......

So here I sit, late night once again.  Oh but this time it's different.  This time it's more like when I was a kid and told I was going on a really good vacation - when ? .. soon... where?.. somewhere great.... but when??    When you are little anything other then tomorrow is akin to forever and right now, I've got a foot in tomorrow and the other in forever.

That's sort of how the dog days of a deployment feel.  I know something wonderful is coming, I know I'm really going to like it, the excitement is building but... when ?   I can finally say soon -not too soon but there is definitely more behind then there is ahead.

This Semper Gumby stuff sure gets old quick though.  Yeah, yeah, I understand the reasons for the lack of information, heck I preach it to people myself.  Which by the way is not easy to do - spout the words when you really want to say yeah this stinks.. well no actually it sucks.   A clue maybe?  A hint would be awesome... the rumors are swirling. It's difficult to listen to all the scuttlebutt and not give it some credence.  I know better, but, when you are hearing whispers of what you want to hear .. well then you just want to believe.

All the preparations are starting, the planning, the organizing and the buzzing of anticipation - anything to make time pass.  Then reality sets in and I say, but wait, don't get ahead of yourself.  So much can change, so much can happen and it makes me mad.   Yes I said it, it makes me MAD that even a little joy is tempered with cold water baths of reality.   I think that's the hardest part, not being able to allow ourselves the luxury of just screaming out  Yeah Baby we're almost there.

I'm worn out - weary of cheer leading, of  being cautious in my words, of pushing down the feelings in order to pick up those who really need it.  I'm just tired in general.  I want to skip, give myself permission to enjoy the coming end.  Again, like that little kid I wake up each day and say ... today?  Will I know more today?

In the not too distant future it will be the day - the news will be released, the word passed and I will have the honor of being among those passing that word.  In doing so, I will also have the wonderful feeling of knowing I am part of making others wait come to an end;  of bringing happiness to them by answering the question YES Today is the day!   Make plans, make reservations, get in your car and drive... They are coming home ... Yes Today is the day!

Until then - stay safe, know you're loved, know you're missed, know we are waiting

STANDING WATCH

Right now, all over the good old USA there are hundreds, possibly thousands of us standing watch.   We aren't guarding weapons or bases.  We're not in danger of ambush or attack.  We are standing guard over memories and hopes - over dreams and prayers.   We are wives, husbands, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters .. we're fiances and girlfriends or boyfriends.  We are our own squad, our own fire team.  We are the loved ones of someone in the military.   At any given moment, at any hour, I can find a friend awake, suffering through a sleepless night.  

It starts the first night they leave for boot camp.  We toss and turn wondering if they are okay, if they are regretting their choice.  We wonder, are they still as sure of their decision as they were 24 hours ago?  If they are sad, if they are homesick.   They move on and the night terrors ease, letters start to arrive, they seem to settle in and hey we know where they are and what they are doing...  sleep gets easier.   About 2 weeks before they are due to graduate the sleeplessness returns, it's so close now the insomnia is not out of wondering if they are okay  -it's due to the uncontrollable fear that something may happen to end the dream.  They are so close to realizing it and we agonize for them... please let them stay healthy, please let this goal be achieved.  Please let them graduate!
As they move through training a pattern of sorts emerges, sleep comes a bit easier - interrupted now and again with fears of the future.  Mostly it's settle in time, they are safe - they are training or in school.  Then they are in the 'fleet' - settling into their new home.  
Ah then comes deployment - and standing watch is constant.   If they deploy to Afghanistan our night is their day, bad things happen in the daytime over there.  Sleep becomes elusive, and we rediscover our night time buddies  - I wish we could stand watch in shifts, so that some can sleep.  For me, it's not a night time filled with nightmares and fear.   I don't visualize what could be happening. I simply do not sleep.  I no longer have the luxury of going outside and staring at the moon - knowing somewhere he is possibly doing the same.   I can't send silent prayers through the clouds, his sunshine is my moonlight.  So I stand guard, I'm part of the midnight warriors.  We wander the house, we pray,  read, we facebook, we stare into space.  We think of little boys and girls with toothless grins and cheery waves of little fingers.  Of grown men and women with looks of grim determination waving once last time before the bus leaves to take them far away.

So for all my midnight warriors - know you're not alone, somewhere out there is another one, also standing watch, praying, hoping, dreaming of the night when we can again close our eyes and sleep a dreamless sleep.

the Pre Deployment Blues

I've been at an uncharacteristic loss for words in the past few weeks.  I can't seem to gather my thoughts enough to form coherent sentences, never mind stringing them together to post on a blog ! 

I guess it's called the pre deployment blues.  I keep wondering how do we do this?  How do we say "see you soon" and send our loved ones off to war.    there are no training wheels for this particular chapter, no pre deployment for dummies book, no time.

I find myself staring at my nephew, trying to store every nuance of his speech, his expressions, his laugh, his smile, his ridiculous faces that he makes.  I don't want to forget a thing.   Oddly, as I sit and listen to him speak, in my head I'm hearing the 3 year old asking me the why questions.  Some day's it's like ghosts are in the room.  I'm looking at this handsome, strapping young man, all grown up - yet - I'm seeing the small boy, the junior high schooler , his smile as he got his HS diploma.    Funny thing this role reversal - now it seems that I am the one full of questions... and getting the same type answers I gave him at different ages.   You know questions that the answers change to based on their age? Well now I'm getting answers, apparently, based on how much he thinks I can handle.   When he hugs me , it's accompanied by a pat on the back - he's sensing my unease and comforting me without either of us saying the words.

So how do we do this ? How do we in the silent ranks stifle the words we really want to say, Don't GO!  Suppress the tears - because we don't want them going off worrying about our fears - they have enough of their own to deal with.   How do we do this?   I'm learning we do it the same way we've done everything else all their lives, with a lot of love and compassion.  This time it's more of a minefield to negotiate - which subject will he deem to be off limits today?

I keep being told, and telling others, it's not about us. well I'm finding to some extent it is.  We have to deal with what they are doing and then also deal with how WE are doing.   So many, from what I'm seeing, focus all their energies on their Marines that they forget to take care of themselves.   So - here's my 2 cents - take care of you too. Im not an oracle, I don't know it all, some days I question if I know anything.  But, for me .. this is what seems to be helping.
If you need to take some quiet time take it! If you need to dissolve into tears then do it.   I'm not talking hysteria every time you see them, but, seriously, they know how upset you are and may find it a bit bizarre that you are showing no emotion.   Talk to your friends, get yourself out of the hyper focus. For me the only way to accomplish this is to go back to my non military friends, just being with them, and not having the intensity level that my military friends have, is a relief some days.   I don't need to be feeling guilty at enjoying life's frivolity.  Find a hobby, find someone that needs your help.    Every shopping trip does not have to be centered around a care package, don't stop enjoying and living your life - our freedom to do so is what they are defending.



So how do we do this   ?  I'm curious ... how do YOU do this?  I'm open for suggestions

here there everywhere

hello again !  I've been so busy running around and either avoiding the heat or reveling in it that I'v not stopped long enough to write!   I am now relaxing in air conditioning and able to think again - my brain, I fear, had overheated.

Off they go - and the journey begins

SHIP DAY _ DAY 1


The day they leave - is probably one of the toughest days ever.   You will cry, you will feel like your lost, you will not function that well in your daily routine.  DO NOT WORRY this is perfectly normal behavior.   Essentially, someone you have kept close tabs on has disappeared into a void.   You feel like you know nothing, you don't know what to expect, you wonder if they are okay, what they are doing each and every second and what you can do to help.  It's like a big black hole has come and swallowed them up.   The thing to remember is that thousands upon thousands of US Marines have passed through those portals and made it just fine.  

• Arrival - When the bus arrives, they are met by receiving Drill Instructors and the indoctrination begins immediately.  Recruits get off the bus, stand on the fabled yellow foot prints and their journey aboard MCRD Parris Island or San Diego begins:
  

http://www.marines.mil/unit/tecom/mcrdparrisisland/Pages/2009/Other%20Months/ParrisIslandthroughtheeyesofnewrecruits.aspx

• Phone call home - each recruit is given the opportunity to make a quick call home - make sure your phone does not have any blocks on it as the call will come from a restricted number.  It is a scripted call, they cannot deviate from the script. You will hear yelling in the background, and your recruit may not sound like their self.   This again is normal, they are in a very new and different environment, have been traveling for possibly hours and a little nervous.  Just scream I LOVE YOU into the phone - no need to listen as this link will tell you what they are saying.

http://parrisisland.yuku.com/topic/21809/t/The-First-Phone-Call-Home.html?page=-1

• this is very important to remember - do NOT worry if you do not receive this "I'm here" phone call.   They did not lose your son/daughter/hubby/wife/bf/gf/nephew/niece/brother/sister.  There are occasions where the recruit either forgets your # or dials incorrectly, most will be too nervous to say anything so... on Tuesday mornings, in random homes across the USA there is someone scratching their head wondering what they heck that 1 AM phone call was all about. 
  

The recruits spend the first few days in RCP or Recruit Processing Platoon.  They are given haircuts, clothing, instructions - their transformation from civilian to Marine has begun.

• Start writing those letters, no you will not have an address yet, but you can start writing so that when you do - those letters are ready to go ! 
• Utilize the recruit message boards, talk to others who have experienced week 1.  I'm not going to lie, it's a tough week.  You want to know are they okay, are they homesick, are they regretting this, what are they thinking, eating, wearing, O M G how am i going to get through 13 weeks of this? 

Okay - again, it's a very emotional day for us, so cry if you want - the urge or need to cry is going to be very close to the surface.  You'll learn later on how to hide it but for now .. just cry.   Then stop and find something, anything to do.  Keeping busy is the best way to get through boot camp.    Oh wait .. you found yourself back on yuku for the millionth time today? searching out any tidbit you may have missed?  Yeah well ... message board addictions occur at an alarming rate, there is only ONE known cure - Graduation.


Now if you've done your reading.. hint hint... you will have read that Boot Camp can be a very stressful/chaotic time for recruits.   It is also a very stressful/chaotic time for loved ones.   The same basic premise for the reasoning applies to both groups.  Your recruits are being trained to be US Marines, you are being trained to be a US Marine loved one.  They are learning that the only thing they need to know is whatever the Drill Instructor tells them.

  We are learning  we no longer are the only authority in their life.   The needs of the Corps will almost always trump anything else we deem important.  You can be bitter and angry when you realize this or  learn to  accept it as your recruit has.  Lack of communication, information, knowledge is a pattern that will be repeated.   It is sometimes a hard thing to come to terms with, there is going to be a small part of what they do that we will never know about.

For the most part they are trained to not attach emotion to what they are doing - so 'how did you feel when..." is a question  that will be met with a blank stare.  They didn't feel - they just did.   Yes I know... we all want to know the magic formula to transform the civilian who had to be asked to pick up his/her socks 10 times before it was done to one who will follow his Drill Instructors order immediately and without question.  Alas, it is a deeply guarded secret.  Each Drill Instructor, while trained the same, is as different as each recruit is. What works on one recruit may not motivate another recruit.

The first night is a tough one, mostly we're worn out from the emotions of the day so we can sleep.   There's no way around the fact that your last waking thought and first in the morning will be of your recruit.  I'm really not sure how it happens, and so quickly, but every single thing that was important yesterday has taken a back seat.   You have gone into hyper focus - your thoughts are never far from Parris Island.   It's not unusual to find yourself in the midst of a conversation regarding the weather and jump in with ... hmm I wonder if it's a black flag day on PI".  The person you are speaking to will more then likely not have a clue as to what you're talking about.  Continue on as if nothing happened.  This won't be the last time, you will become quite skilled at finding a way to work your recruits name into any topic of conversation.  It becomes a high art form.

Example; Friend, " I am training to climb Mt. Everest next year",  your reply, "Wow that's nice.  I wonder if Recruit has any mountain training at boot camp.    Talk about training hard, have I told you what Recruit is doing today"?  Then whip out your handy matrix and show it to your friend.

This gets a little better as time goes on, but for the most part, yeah you're most likely a bit obsessed.  It's okay, we understand.

to be continued........

Boot Camp for Loved Ones.

I've been asked by newbies to blog about the boot camp experience ... ohhh boot camp, who knew then that it was the easiest part of the ride ?   In preparation I reread the letters I sent and received while my then recruit was on Parris Island.   I laughed, I cried and I remembered...

I've tried to put together what I consider to be Boot Camp For Loved Ones.   While this is geared to the USMC, I'm sure the sentiments and advice is not limited to the Marines.  None of the Boot Camp Blogs will be straightforward facts.  The boot camp experience is a roller coaster of emotions, you ramble, you cry, you get silly, you get angry.  This blog will sometimes mirror that, memories of boot camp come back in a wave, not a drop or day at a time, and it's hard to separate that out.  There are days that stand out for all of us - but for the most part, in hindsight, it's one big blur. 

Things you need to know before they ship - Poolee loved ones 

• Get on the internet, start googling their branch of service and 'boot' or "basic" training.  Learn about their options, what their choices are for their military careers.   Information, information, information.... is your new best friend! 

• Meet their recruiter, ask questions ( see hint # one)
• Look at their contract before they sign, make sure all agreed upon points are written IN the contract. 
• understand that no matter how you feel about your loved ones decision to enlist- if you are sitting in a recruiters office there is not much left stopping your soon to be recruit from signing on the dotted line.  They would join and blindly sign anything put in front of them.   Make sure they understand that you are just making sure they are getting whatever is agreed to - not looking for loopholes :-)

• Find and familiarize yourself with a support board geared towards boot camp.  Read through old posts, read all the threads that explain the boot camp experience. Ask questions, in chat rooms and posts.  No question is silly - every single person there is either new or has stood in your shoes.  We all had questions and people to answer them. 

www.parrisisland.yuku.com
www.recruitparents.com

This is an experience that is hard for anyone who has not been through it understand.  I have a large circle of friends and, though interested, it was apparent very quickly that they just didn't 'get it'.  You also find yourself on one track - you can't seem to have a conversation that lasts more then 2 minutes without somehow working the name of your recruit into the conversation. Talking in the chat rooms gives you and audience that understands.  The connections you make among other military family's is one of the most important things you can do for yourself.
 

• Buy stamps, white envelopes -make friends with the mailman/woman - you will count them among your closest friends in 13 weeks.

• MEPS - Find out if you can go to MEPS to see your soon to be recruit swear in.  Some recruits prefer to say their good byes at home.   This is your first important lesson - this is not about YOU it's about your recruit - no matter how much it hurts, respect their requests... our job at home is to make things as stress free as possible for our recruits/Marines.  This includes having their needs, when it pertains to their requests, take precedence over what WE want.

• Get on the internet, start googling their branch of service and 'boot' or "basic" training.   Information, information, information.... is your new best friend!   

http://www.mcrdpi.usmc.mil/index.asp

• Search out support groups in your area - Blue Star Mothers is a good place to start

 and take a deep breath, now another.   They will survive this and you will too - really - I promise.  You'll be stronger, you'll be proud, you'll be the loved one of an service member in the US Military.

Father's Day

Father's Day - this is with Chris in mind, a friend who exemplifies what a Dad and a Marine Dad is all about.  Your expressions of love, sadness, weakness, strength, happiness, understanding, pride and love are examples for all to follow.

One can't help but think about all the kid's missing their father today and all the dad's missing their kids.  

For you dad's that said goodbye to your son's as they set off on their military career; While your hearts may be heavy missing them, your gift is in knowing your part in raising such fine young men!  Dad's who may not get a call, text or email today, since their sons are deployed without daily access to any type of communication - I hope the pride in your son's and the job's they are doing should hopefully ease the dull pain of missing them.   Your guidance, knowledge, caring and love are a part of who your son's have become today - men willing to sacrifice the time spent with you and their family's to insure our life and freedoms remain intact.

For the young and no so young dad's who can't be with their children today, won't get the messy breakfast so lovingly prepared, won't be awakened by giggles, hugs and kisses and squeals of Happy Father's Day!  Words simply don't suffice.  We appreciate your willingness to give up this precious time with your own family to do your part in keeping our country free.    For the first time dad's, some of whom may not have even met their new baby yet, there is a special place for all of you in my heart today.   

This is yet another cost of war, another unseen sacrifice that our servicemen, ( and women), make.   In lands far away, looking at their children, who are growing so quickly as children do, on computer screens via skype, in pictures sent.  The children that they worry - have I been gone so long or often that they won't know me?  Rest assured, they know you, your family is keeping you in the forefront of your child's world. 

My wish for you all is that next year, you celebrate with each other !

the epic battle

I had something happen last night in the boot camp chat room and it's not the first time, will not be the last time and upsets me each time it happens.

The great mom vs girlfriend/wife struggle.

People!!! Please stop!!!!!  This isn't a contest, it's not a debate, it's apples and oranges really.

It's also something I hear after boot camp, recurring during leave and liberty. But , probably due to the emotions of boot camp - it's more prevalent there.  

Parents lamenting that the 'wife/girlfriend' gets more letters, the 'wife/girlfriend' got the phone call.   Wives/Girlfriends complaining that the 'mom' won't let her son grow up, the 'mom' expects to come first.   My least favorite ... the "I'm going to get that first hug on Family Day".   OH STOP IT!  this isn't a race to the death, it's NOT about us... it's NOT about who's first or last - it's about THEM!  Do you really think that the first hug means more to your newly graduated Marine then the 2nd, 3rd or last one?  Absolutely not - he just cares that all the people he loves are there and hugging him.   Does he love you more if you get the first hug ... really??? 

Our job as loved ones is to create a calm atmosphere for our recruit/new Marine.  They don't want the angst and anxiety of an epic emotional struggle.  It's not fair to put them in that position.  We learned this in kindergarten and it's one of the best lessons life teaches us .. Share, be generous - it will make it all much easier in the long run.  

If you get a letter, share it with the 'other' woman in his life.   When they go off to boot camp it's emotionally wrenching for all concerned.  You don't miss him more, you miss him differently.  Parents miss their sons, their presence in their homes, Girlfriends/wives miss their partners.    Yes sometimes we feel they have not made the right choice - but - they have made a choice to be with this person and nothing will change that.   No not all g/f's or wives are cut out to be with someone in the military, again that's a learning process that has to be worked out by them.  Certainly our telling them it's not the right person isn't going to change it!   Use the 3 months to forge a relationship with each other ... you may think you have nothing in common - but in reality you have something huge in common - your recruit and missing them.  Relationships are begun with much less then that at their foundations.  As a Mom - consider that this person is someone your son/daughter loves and cares about - As a girlfriend/wife remember that the Mom carried your loved one for 9 months, raised them and now had to watch them go off to do something terrifying.  Be sympathetic.   Plan a lunch, go out for coffee - one thing's for sure .. neither of you will tire of talking or hearing about your recruit.  Girlfriends - you may learn something about the boy that was - Mom's you may learn something about the man that is.

It can be so easy or made to be so hard.   If you keep the thought that whatever you do here is for your recruit/Marine it makes it more palpable.  You don't want your new Marine, home on boot leave, to have to start making choices about who to spend time with.  Plan dinners and invite the girlfriend/wife.  Include each other.   If you're the girlfriend, remember someone else loves this man, make sure you go to his parents house and he spends time with them too. 

I have had the pleasure of witnessing a mom and a girlfriend who have done all of the above.   Their Marine is not the only one that benefits - they realize that they do to.   He knows that the women in his life have united, are there for each other and respect his feelings towards both of them.   It makes leave easier - he isn't torn and feeling like he's disappointing people, precious time isn't spent arguing over it.   They have found that talking to each other makes them feel closer to him, they lean on each other for support - which they can give each other in a way no one else can.


I know there are situations that make any of the above almost impossible, there are possessive moms, selfish girlfriends.  I'm just asking that you all try, put the bad feelings that may exist from the past aside, this is a new beginning for everyone and we all need people to help along the way.  If for no other reason - do it for the one you both love... he'll be thankful for it.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day -

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

George Orwell

Once upon a time it was the first long weekend of the summer.  The beaches officially opened,  bbq's were cleaned and fired up, friends made plans .. 3 days off !!  There were parades, I participated when I was younger - my gymnastics team was always pressed into it - the participation was fun.. but there was no further meaning other then I got to do flips on the back of a truck for a few miles.

Last year was my first Memorial day as a military family member.  I did my usual thing - went for the weekend to a friends place in a small town in  upstate NY.  We decided to go to the town parade - I still gave it no further thought until ... the tractor/floats started coming down the road with support our troops signs.   I was standing there cheering with the crowd when all of a sudden tears started pouring down my face.   Here I was in a festive, happy atmosphere and crying.   It hit me then - Memorial day was more then just a day for bbqs.  Those 'troops' that the signs were imploring we support, the fallen they asked us to remember ... these were my Marine and my friends sons and daughters.  They were not just faceless, nameless vague entities known to most as 'troops' - I knew their faces, I know their names  - they are our sons, daughters, husbands, wives, fiances, girlfriends, boyfriends, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, grandchildren, friends, neighbors - they are America's youth.  who are willing to put their lives on the line to protect Americans so that they can have their bbq's and parades.   The full force of it just hit me then and, to be frank, the emotion I felt took me by surprise.   I was crying for the fallen but more so, I was crying from PRIDE.

So, yes, Memorial Day no longer is just a 3 day weekend, it's not only a bbq and beach day.  It has taken on it's true meaning for me.   But, I am not angry that the larger part of our population in the US doesn't realize it, or acknowledge that.   They are living the reason that our troops are fighting - for family, for small and big town America to be able to go about their days without worry and terror.

So I will attend my usual round of beginning of summer bbq's, I will smile and for some moments bask in the bliss that stems from it just being a 3 day weekend.

BUT I will wear my nephew is a Marine T shirt, I will remember those that have made the ultimate sacrifice, those that were injured, those that are over seas now, those that are going and those that just returned.   I will say a  prayer for all of our family's - the silent ranks - for we deserve to be remembered as well.  I will say a prayer for peace of mind and heart for Gold Star family's who are visiting a grave site instead of going to the beach.   I will go to the parade and be volunteer at it - my presence and pride will gently remind people of the true meaning of the day.

But I will also be happy participating in the more frivolous parts of the weekend,  for me -  the small pleasures and freedom to take part in them are what the fight is also about. 

If you happen to meet a service member, retired or active, thank them - tell them we appreciate what they do.

For all our Gold Star and Purple Star family's - know a grateful nation remembers

For all the Fallen and Wounded Warriors  - we thank you for your service and sacrifice and we will never forget you.



Sleep well America, A Marine has my heart and he has your back!