the epic battle

I had something happen last night in the boot camp chat room and it's not the first time, will not be the last time and upsets me each time it happens.

The great mom vs girlfriend/wife struggle.

People!!! Please stop!!!!!  This isn't a contest, it's not a debate, it's apples and oranges really.

It's also something I hear after boot camp, recurring during leave and liberty. But , probably due to the emotions of boot camp - it's more prevalent there.  

Parents lamenting that the 'wife/girlfriend' gets more letters, the 'wife/girlfriend' got the phone call.   Wives/Girlfriends complaining that the 'mom' won't let her son grow up, the 'mom' expects to come first.   My least favorite ... the "I'm going to get that first hug on Family Day".   OH STOP IT!  this isn't a race to the death, it's NOT about us... it's NOT about who's first or last - it's about THEM!  Do you really think that the first hug means more to your newly graduated Marine then the 2nd, 3rd or last one?  Absolutely not - he just cares that all the people he loves are there and hugging him.   Does he love you more if you get the first hug ... really??? 

Our job as loved ones is to create a calm atmosphere for our recruit/new Marine.  They don't want the angst and anxiety of an epic emotional struggle.  It's not fair to put them in that position.  We learned this in kindergarten and it's one of the best lessons life teaches us .. Share, be generous - it will make it all much easier in the long run.  

If you get a letter, share it with the 'other' woman in his life.   When they go off to boot camp it's emotionally wrenching for all concerned.  You don't miss him more, you miss him differently.  Parents miss their sons, their presence in their homes, Girlfriends/wives miss their partners.    Yes sometimes we feel they have not made the right choice - but - they have made a choice to be with this person and nothing will change that.   No not all g/f's or wives are cut out to be with someone in the military, again that's a learning process that has to be worked out by them.  Certainly our telling them it's not the right person isn't going to change it!   Use the 3 months to forge a relationship with each other ... you may think you have nothing in common - but in reality you have something huge in common - your recruit and missing them.  Relationships are begun with much less then that at their foundations.  As a Mom - consider that this person is someone your son/daughter loves and cares about - As a girlfriend/wife remember that the Mom carried your loved one for 9 months, raised them and now had to watch them go off to do something terrifying.  Be sympathetic.   Plan a lunch, go out for coffee - one thing's for sure .. neither of you will tire of talking or hearing about your recruit.  Girlfriends - you may learn something about the boy that was - Mom's you may learn something about the man that is.

It can be so easy or made to be so hard.   If you keep the thought that whatever you do here is for your recruit/Marine it makes it more palpable.  You don't want your new Marine, home on boot leave, to have to start making choices about who to spend time with.  Plan dinners and invite the girlfriend/wife.  Include each other.   If you're the girlfriend, remember someone else loves this man, make sure you go to his parents house and he spends time with them too. 

I have had the pleasure of witnessing a mom and a girlfriend who have done all of the above.   Their Marine is not the only one that benefits - they realize that they do to.   He knows that the women in his life have united, are there for each other and respect his feelings towards both of them.   It makes leave easier - he isn't torn and feeling like he's disappointing people, precious time isn't spent arguing over it.   They have found that talking to each other makes them feel closer to him, they lean on each other for support - which they can give each other in a way no one else can.


I know there are situations that make any of the above almost impossible, there are possessive moms, selfish girlfriends.  I'm just asking that you all try, put the bad feelings that may exist from the past aside, this is a new beginning for everyone and we all need people to help along the way.  If for no other reason - do it for the one you both love... he'll be thankful for it.