Sometimes it takes a Wall to break down our walls

I wanted to follow up on my post of March 1st titled   Walls  It was about my constant hold on my emotions and fear of letting them go.

Well, it happened and I survived the moment.

I was at Camp LeJeune for 10 day visit for homecoming.   Over the course of a week I watched bus after bus pull up, families reunited with their loved one, Fathers meeting their new babies for the first time, Wounded Warriors standing tall greeting their brothers as they came home.  At the same time, I also attended a send off, seeing a friend leave for his deployment.  It was an emotional turmoil of days, stressful, joyful, tiring.  I'll write more on that in another post.

So finally a day off, nothing to do , no where to be, no one to talk with, be Miss Congeniality too.  Just me and myself.   What to do what to do.  I craved some solitude - a chance to get back on an even keel.   In my many visits to Jacksonville, NC I had always wanted to visit the Memorial Gardens outside of Camp Johnson.   It was a beautiful sunny day and I decided the perfect place to regroup.

I drove over and it is a beautiful spot; quiet, peaceful just what I wanted.   I normally head to the water when I need to re- energize but the moment I pulled into the parking lot I knew I had headed for the right place.

After taking it in from afar,I first walked over to the Sept 11th Memorial, being a NYC resident it holds a special meaning to me.  I lost family and friends there and to touch a piece of the steel that had been part of the Trade Center was profoundly moving for me.   I then walked over to take in the Beirut Memorial - what struck me  - afterthe starkness of names chiseled into the stone was the inscription - " THEY CAME IN PEACE".
Then I started walking towards the Vietnam Memorial.  For those who haven't been - it's a circle made up of glass panels, in side is a reflecting pool with a fountain.  The glass panels are engraved with the names of all who were lost during the Vietnam War.   If my research is correct it's the only  other place in the country aside from the memorial in Washington DC that has every name.   I walked along, touching a name here and there, noticing as the sun shown through the panels the names are reflected in shadow on the ground.    I sat down at the reflecting pool, staring at all these panels and just started to cry.  I cried for every name listed, I cried for each of their loved ones that suffered the loss.  I also cried for all of us - it hit me as I walked that one day, I'm sure, there would be others added to these 3. One dedicated to Operation Iraqi Freedom and to Operation Enduring Freedom.  The names then would not be strange to me, it would be the names of friends sons, daughters, wives and husbands.  An acquaintances grandchild, nephew or niece.   It would be our service members testament to their brothers and sisters.   I already know too many of those names that will one day be chiseled on to granite or glass.  So I cried and I cried .. I cried from the relief of being able to hug my Marine and so many of his buddies and say "Welcome Home".  I cried for my friends who will never be able to do the same.  I cried for us all, as this war takes its ugly toll on so many in the form of PTSD and horrific injuries that we will deal with for years to come.  I finally allowed myself the grief that I'd been holding back, the sadness that invades my heart and soul at each announcement.

Without consciously being aware of it, I went to the exact right place to find the peace I craved.  I needed to break down - it was the only way for me to go on, stronger then ever.   It was a cleansing of my mind, my heart and my soul.  It renewed me and my commitment to not only talk the talk but walk the walk to help in any way I can.  It enabled me to renew my dedication to Family Readiness and it's educating and helping family members - to ensure the 'silent ranks' are not so silent.  It revitalized me to continue my volunteer work with an organization that aids Wounded Warriors.  It made up my mind to find a way to get involved with groups seeking to help those with PTSD live their lives in a better way and that no one with PTSD should ever have to fear that seeking help would endanger their service careers.  

  Then I drove over to the barracks and spent some time around Marines, laughing at their silly antics, taking solace in that no matter what they've seen there are times they can still be silly boys.  Pranks, jokes, ridiculous stories... listening to them plan the weekend... the future.

So I'll go on, shaking off the sadness, not giving in to the terror - why? Because in doing so, for me, it allows me to live my life exactly how I choose too, not paralyzed by fear, not missing out on the NOW because I'm so worried about the future.  I'm sure I'll have myself another few good cries in the next few years, it's part of my process but for me - I'd rather laugh and dance when I can.

In retrospect, I find it very interesting that it took visiting Walls to breakdown my own walls.

                                                                 Beirut Memorial

                                                         Sept 11th Memorial

                                                            Vietnam Memorial