THE WAR IS OVER !?!?!?!!?

AH don't we wish!   It seems as if you can't turn on a news station or pick up a newspaper and not see the big bold headline " THE WAR IS OVER".   Sadly most people don't bother to read or listen further then the first few words and miss the most important part - In IRAQ!   The last time I, and I'm sure most you, checked things were still going strong in Afghanistan.  

Yes, the op tempo seems to have slowed down slightly, battalions, for the most part, are not on as a predictable schedule any longer. But... unless I've lost my mind, which after 3 years of this is entirely possible,  there's still quite a few of us either saying or gearing up to say our see you soon's to those faces we love so dearly. 

I have been stared at with complete dumbfounded expressions when I mention my Marine is making another trip to the big Ugly place. "Buuuut why? the war is over", is what I'm told with confusion written all over the face of the friend or acquaintance uttering that sentence.   Now - what a moment for me, part of me is ready to lash out at the person unfortunate enough to say this to me.  Then I remember, I am immersed in this life, I am privy to the comings and goings of units, I am tuned into the reality of what is put out there in the media is not necessarily truly reflecting what is happening.  Mostly I remember that a few short years ago I too was clueless to the reality of what was happening and bought in, pretty much hook, line and sinker, to the headlines.  I didn't know of this special underpinning of American society known as the military family.  That's not to say I was not well read in regard to the news of the day nor was I not well informed..  I just didn't take it further then - wow .. so the war is over great news!3  I think sometimes we forget how nice it was to be a bit ignorant of the realities of the military and how the bold headlines screaming great news, the TV running clips of Army soldiers reunited with their families did not necessarily tell the whole story.  

So what do I do when confronted with that maddening phrase - but the war is over?  I educated friends,  I don't get mad, indignant, insulted or annoyed.  I look at is as a teaching moment, a way to inform and pass on the word that NO the war is not over - just the war in Iraq is.   I share that the Marines, Sailors,Airmen and Soldiers are still leaving every day to fight in Afghanistan, that that war is going strong, still deadly and still requiring a constant supply of young men and women to support the efforts.     I see a lot of posting of people who are getting mad and lashing out at those who are ill informed -  so here's a suggestion, save the righteous indignation and use the moment, offer the person not only information but a way to help - tell them about making a donation to Semper Fi Sisters, Hope for the Warriors, Wounded Warrior Foundation, IAVA, Still in the Fight- tell them they can help out a military member by going to anysoldier.com or soldiersangels.com and make a difference in a young man or woman's deployment by showing their support via a care package.  You'll feel better for not getting your blood pressure up and, you'll probably find, the person you are talking to will be receptive.  We all are so aware of all these organizations but the average person has no idea they even exist.  Turn a bad moment into a wonderful opportunity.  How great is that? 

Too much advice, not enough information?

Sept. 18, 2011

Back when I first began this blog I wrote an entry Information is Key.  As I go deeper into this journey of being a family member of a serviceman I find this to still be true.  Now, however, I also have found that the SOURCE of the information is crucial.   Sure, there are people out there ready, willing and able to jump in and give advice. There is a major difference between information and advice.  Information should be based on clearly defined and verifiable sources.  It’s not to state what did happen but what should happen – based on a rule, regulation, order etc.  The problem is that  advice is usually based on their experience, which, in most cases translates to what their enlisted family member experienced.   

I can't be the only one noticing that Face book has groups popping up each day it seems.  Some are great but a lot are like the blind leading the blind when it comes to information and that's a little concerning. 

Now, I’m not saying sharing what happened with your Marine isn’t right or shouldn’t happen.  On the contrary, I think it’s great that people get to see the vast differences in how the USMC is experienced by various Marines.  Even something so simple as boot camp, simple in there is a clear training manual, clear rules and regulations followed by Drill Instructors and their command, yet it’s different for each recruit.  Their perception is different, their recollections may be inflated, (after all, we all know recruits never lie in letters).   One may have a horrible time of it, someone else seemingly breezes through.  Some have DI’s that are all business, some bend the rules a bit.   ALL these differences affect how a recruit will experience boot.  Yet most people, when asked a simple question – can my recruit have protein bars -  will NOT answer; it depends on the Drill instructor, do not send until your recruit requests it.  Nope, there will be a score of following posts, I sent my son a package each week – no problem,  I sent 800 bars no problem. I baked cookies - they loved them!   I sent without his asking – he had to eat them all / I sent without asking and nothing happened  blah blah blah.  Yes, that’s all probably true but the information is what the poster is seeking NOT the advice.  Give the info and let the poster decide what to do at that point. 

It gets more complicated as the Marine goes on, nothing is the same after boot for each one, ITB/MCT/MOS – again there is no same answer for each Marine as to how to expect the path to go.   It’s ever changing, fluid and, especially once they hit the fleet, sometimes dependent on what kind of Marine they are.  The Fleet especially has its own unique way of doing things unit to unit. Then there is taking into account how each BC manages his troops.  Life in the air wing is totally different from life on the groundside.   Logistics Marines will have a completely different time of it than Postal Clerk Marines,  PAO  a world away from Infantry.  

Through all of it though there are certain rules/regs that are consistent.  How to request leave ( how often it’s granted will vary wildly unit to unit).  How notifications are made, field day, drug issues, promotions (even though some MOS’ are notorious for very slow promotions due to cutting scores).  

I’ve learned to participate in the support but when it comes to when I need info I go to the inner circle.  Trust your sources, cultivate those that you know did their due diligence - that are telling you what should be. Read, there is a tremendous amount of information available online.  Research, ask questions, but examine the answers – though it may sound great to hear – Oh , LOL I did that and nothing happened, don’t put your Marine in the position of possibly having to answer for something you did because you received incorrect information.

When it comes to deployments what can or can’t be done is most definitely a unit to unit thing.  Each unit’s location and job will dictate what they can or can’t do or have on a deployment.  If the question is, I haven’t heard from my Marine in 3 days, should I worry.  The answer isn’t YES; I hear from mine every day;  the answer is a question – what job does your Marine have and is his location built up or have no amenities?   A Marine at Leatherneck has much more communication then someone out on an outpost depending on a satellite phone.   Same thing for care packages, needs are totally different.  This is where Family Readiness should be your go to for real information.    Sure ask for care package advice from all your online friends, but think about the locale before sending certain items – no matter how wonderful they sound!

I cherish my circle of support and I wouldn’t know what to do without them.  I had wonderful mentors who I listened to, realizing my 13 weeks of boot camp did not make me an expert it just made me an expert on his 13 weeks of boot camp.  I listened, I read, I asked questions, if given the opportunity I most certainly peppered a few SNCO’s  who, when realizing I was really interested and why , I write a blog for family members, were more then happy to talk to me. 

So find your way, surround yourself with support but filter the information. There are unit pages on line, there are support boards staffed by very knowledgeable people - try not to limit your source to be " I read it on face book so it MUST be true" :-) 

www.usmc.yuku.com
www.parrisisland.yuku.com

Marine Family Networks website

The OpSec Police.

  We all know them, we've probably been called out by them at some point.   That person connected to your unit that takes OpSec as their personal crusade and seems to scour the Internet, face book usually, so they can pounce on what they deem to be a violation.   Now do people post info that they shouldn't? absolutely - should they be called out publicly on it? In my mind - no.  No one responds well to a public rebuke or attack.   Some people honestly just don't know ,  some get excited and forget,  some just need a little education and yeah some feel that it's their God given right to say what they want , when they want, how they want - after all isn't that what their Marine is fighting for? Before I get a public flogging - no I do NOT agree with the last example but those people are out there.

Being involved with many Marine family groups and friends with a lot of Marine moms, dads,spouses and assorted family members brings knowledge to all of us that is not usually known to the general public.   We know of units coming and going, deployments moved up or locations changed.  We know from talking to a friend, that a unit is going somewhere that isn't mentioned in the media.  We read newspapers, the Internet, listen to radio shows, watch TV and hear things that don't always jive with what we know is happening.

How to reconcile what we know is going on with what we hear is going on - worst yet, since the info we're privy to is supposed to be secure, we can't talk about it.   Where is the line that crosses our right to speak and live freely crossed over with OpSec (Operational security)?  When is OpSec taken too far or not taken seriously enough and - really - what is OpSec ?
In truth, as a family member we're not under any obligation ( other then the desire to keep our loved ones safe) to practice OpSec.   Who decides what and how a family member should practice it?  The OpSec guidelines for families is different then the OpSec rules and regs under the current MARADMIN  that our Marines have to follow.

We are told do not discuss current or future destinations, dates or times of troop movements, yet, pick up a news paper and there it is in black and white - a list of what units going where and when ( not an exact date but usually close enough!).  Now, how is it that WE are held to this very high standard but simultaneously that same info is published in the news? How is it not completely confusing for everyone concerned and really - why is it published anywhere?

A few months ago there was a heated debate on the subject on a face book page that belongs to a group of embedded reporters.  It degenerated to some very nasty remarks being thrown at posters and really at the end of the debate, not much was resolved.

What to do and how to do it?  I'm not an OpSec expert and hope I don't fall into the category of Opsec Nazi but seriously folks - a little common sense goes a long way.

First , ask your service member how much  he/she would like you to post publicly about their business.  To me that's the single most important part that most people forget - it's not our life or our job it's our service members!  Let them set the boundaries and please listen to them.  I've heard Mom's state that their son's asked them not to post anything but they continue to because it's the Mom's "right" to vent her feelings and fears - which includes info about deployments.  That may not end well for the service member in question if their command gets wind of it.

 We have all seen the posts- "Please pray for my son as he heads out on a mission ".   Well now - is that in and of itself too much info? Of course not, but , scroll down the page a bit, I bet you'll find that said Marine is in x battalion, xx company, xxx squad and is at XXX FOB or city in 'stan.   So now the games changed a bit - there all in one place is all the info anyone needs to put together a full story.   Is it done maliciously or even intentionally  - of course not - but there it is and yeah the OpSec Police descend like locusts -

SO seriously - what guidelines should we follow?   Who should we listen to and when is it taken too far in the policing of the posts?
Here's how I see it -
#1 Before you call someone out on it - you best acquaint yourself with the official version of OpSec.   .
#2 Be smart, if you wonder, should I post this - this answer most likely is NO.
#3- If you see someone has put too much out there , don't post on their wall, take a minute, send a private message and don't attack, explain.  Think that possibly this person, incredible as it may seem, just doesn't know!
#4 - Listen to your service member and respect their wishes and opinions - remember that THEY are responsible for us and our actions, they have to answer for it and in my world, I'd never want to be the one that caused my Marine to get called in to get me under control.
#5 - When in doubt, just go with vague - it's perfectly OK to say , my Marine is in Afghanistan, he's doing fine and will be home soon.  NOT My Marine in 3/3 is in Now Zad  - they are hungry, hot, tired and just want to come home - he's coming home in March.  ( yes I've seen just that much info posted - of course not the exact info since I'm taking artistic license).
#6 - Be kind to each other, think of the mindset of the person posting and address them with respect.  We're all here to support, educate and HELP each other, not tear each other down.
#7 - Get in touch with your family readiness and let them handle it if you see someone out there that is obviously not clued into the rules.  Family Readiness has been through courses that have taught them how to deal with these situations in a non combative manner.

As for me, personally I err on the side of caution, I follow the OpSec guidelines laid out by family readiness - are they stricter then the official OpSec rules - yes - is that a problem for me? absolutely not!   But again that's what works for me. Everyone has to find their comfort zone and live within it - just remember - keep 'em safe please !  Someone you love is depending on it

Sometimes it takes a Wall to break down our walls

I wanted to follow up on my post of March 1st titled   Walls  It was about my constant hold on my emotions and fear of letting them go.

Well, it happened and I survived the moment.

I was at Camp LeJeune for 10 day visit for homecoming.   Over the course of a week I watched bus after bus pull up, families reunited with their loved one, Fathers meeting their new babies for the first time, Wounded Warriors standing tall greeting their brothers as they came home.  At the same time, I also attended a send off, seeing a friend leave for his deployment.  It was an emotional turmoil of days, stressful, joyful, tiring.  I'll write more on that in another post.

So finally a day off, nothing to do , no where to be, no one to talk with, be Miss Congeniality too.  Just me and myself.   What to do what to do.  I craved some solitude - a chance to get back on an even keel.   In my many visits to Jacksonville, NC I had always wanted to visit the Memorial Gardens outside of Camp Johnson.   It was a beautiful sunny day and I decided the perfect place to regroup.

I drove over and it is a beautiful spot; quiet, peaceful just what I wanted.   I normally head to the water when I need to re- energize but the moment I pulled into the parking lot I knew I had headed for the right place.

After taking it in from afar,I first walked over to the Sept 11th Memorial, being a NYC resident it holds a special meaning to me.  I lost family and friends there and to touch a piece of the steel that had been part of the Trade Center was profoundly moving for me.   I then walked over to take in the Beirut Memorial - what struck me  - afterthe starkness of names chiseled into the stone was the inscription - " THEY CAME IN PEACE".
Then I started walking towards the Vietnam Memorial.  For those who haven't been - it's a circle made up of glass panels, in side is a reflecting pool with a fountain.  The glass panels are engraved with the names of all who were lost during the Vietnam War.   If my research is correct it's the only  other place in the country aside from the memorial in Washington DC that has every name.   I walked along, touching a name here and there, noticing as the sun shown through the panels the names are reflected in shadow on the ground.    I sat down at the reflecting pool, staring at all these panels and just started to cry.  I cried for every name listed, I cried for each of their loved ones that suffered the loss.  I also cried for all of us - it hit me as I walked that one day, I'm sure, there would be others added to these 3. One dedicated to Operation Iraqi Freedom and to Operation Enduring Freedom.  The names then would not be strange to me, it would be the names of friends sons, daughters, wives and husbands.  An acquaintances grandchild, nephew or niece.   It would be our service members testament to their brothers and sisters.   I already know too many of those names that will one day be chiseled on to granite or glass.  So I cried and I cried .. I cried from the relief of being able to hug my Marine and so many of his buddies and say "Welcome Home".  I cried for my friends who will never be able to do the same.  I cried for us all, as this war takes its ugly toll on so many in the form of PTSD and horrific injuries that we will deal with for years to come.  I finally allowed myself the grief that I'd been holding back, the sadness that invades my heart and soul at each announcement.

Without consciously being aware of it, I went to the exact right place to find the peace I craved.  I needed to break down - it was the only way for me to go on, stronger then ever.   It was a cleansing of my mind, my heart and my soul.  It renewed me and my commitment to not only talk the talk but walk the walk to help in any way I can.  It enabled me to renew my dedication to Family Readiness and it's educating and helping family members - to ensure the 'silent ranks' are not so silent.  It revitalized me to continue my volunteer work with an organization that aids Wounded Warriors.  It made up my mind to find a way to get involved with groups seeking to help those with PTSD live their lives in a better way and that no one with PTSD should ever have to fear that seeking help would endanger their service careers.  

  Then I drove over to the barracks and spent some time around Marines, laughing at their silly antics, taking solace in that no matter what they've seen there are times they can still be silly boys.  Pranks, jokes, ridiculous stories... listening to them plan the weekend... the future.

So I'll go on, shaking off the sadness, not giving in to the terror - why? Because in doing so, for me, it allows me to live my life exactly how I choose too, not paralyzed by fear, not missing out on the NOW because I'm so worried about the future.  I'm sure I'll have myself another few good cries in the next few years, it's part of my process but for me - I'd rather laugh and dance when I can.

In retrospect, I find it very interesting that it took visiting Walls to breakdown my own walls.

                                                                 Beirut Memorial

                                                         Sept 11th Memorial

                                                            Vietnam Memorial

Welcome Home!

they say a picture is worth a thousand words 

this one says it all 

Boots down on USA soil!

Rounding third....

and heading for home it's a brown, blue, green eyed handsome maaaaaannnnnn ( or woman ). 

There are few moments of sheer, unadulterated joy when part of a military family.   One is the day of boot camp graduation, the other the end of a deployment.    Both seem to make me want to dance.. and sing ... oh yes, that old song in the heart that just needs to come out...

One day you peek at your Donut of Misery and can't quite believe what it says... can it be ?  Time flashes back to the first day you install it, then open it up and bummer it says 0% gone and a loooooooong way to go to the end.   Personally, I treat it like a scale while on a diet, I don't look every day, there's little movement and that's a bit depressing.  The one day, magically there's a lot more time gone then there is to go!   A little increase in heart rate and a slight weight lifts off.   I say slight because there is a whole 'nother level of anxiety associated with the waning month(s) of a deployment.  The fear is palpable, the stress almost unbearable.  You want to believe that it's almost done, they are almost safe but ... well until all they are standing in front of you it's still hard to take that full deep breath.   Sleep becomes even more fitful.  Wait now, isn't this supposed to be the good time?!?

A week or so passes and a check list is started, a stop mail date is given, a foot locker magically appears, covered in dust and locked but you know someone you love has touched it.  Other's in your unit start to get more chatty, nervous talk but the need to talk is overwhelming.  No one wants to speak the fear out loud, you feel the excitement building but it's a cautionary optimism.    Which quite frankly pisses me off.   I want to jump up and down, I want to scream out IT'S ALMOST OVER! But, nope ... it's still said in whispers, daring to put it out into the universe is tempting fate in a way.  So, inside, deep inside the flutters begin. 
More items checked off, it's getting harder to contain the feelings, then oh happy happy day, a window!  Who cares if it's vague and 3 weeks wide... it's real, unavoidable proof that there is an end to this period of time.   Things start to move, plans start to be made and of course, the inevitable food requests start to come in.   

 Oh to be in Carolinaaaaaaaaaa.....

I digress but it's so funny to me that food is an underlying current to all they do and seemingly is how we can start to mark the end of different periods of time.   Boot camp letters start to be solely about what they want, when they want it and how much they will eat of it.   Deployment calls, emails and chats are all about - what I want and what to have waiting in the cooler for them.   You start to also sense the excitement of coming home building 'over there'.   Ends of chats are not talk to you soon, they are a bit more definite, see you soon, see you in a month, 3 weeks, a week, SOON!!!
Over here things feel lighter, they start to take on brighter colors, laughs come a bit easier.   3 week block hotel reservations are made, ( those poor hotel reservation people, they do put up with a lot !),  cell phone #'s are exchanged. 
All of a sudden there are very few items left on that old check list.   The date window shortens,  a frenzy of phone calls,  daily stalking of the hot line begin.  Rumors, oh what would the USMC be without rumors, start - I heard they are coming home on X, well I heard XX , nope I'm sure it's XXX.   Dates go out and emails come back, you are wrong, where are you getting these dates? My LCpl says it's X  -  well sorry ma'am but the Sgt Major gave us these dates I'll be happy to pass on that he's wrong though.   Semper Gumby makes his inevitable appearance, dates start to shift and change daily,  normally calm people start to get a little bit testy.  WAIT , this is happy time no?  Apparently not yet. 

Where else could an end to something be so happy? Where else do you get ONE day to breath, one day to just say oh yeah, this is a good day?   The minute they get on that bus to leave we start the homecoming countdown, now it seems that the minute they step off that bus we start to wonder, how long will we have them for this time? How long before they ship out again?   

So enjoy that day of joy, they are far and few between, but when they are here, it is real, it is intense and it is a moment to treasure. 

But that one day, it's time to sing... so let's hear it for the boys... let's give those boys a hand........

Military Family

It seems that I have a, seemingly, never ending conversation with friends regarding the lack of knowledge in the general public regarding the military in general and military families specifically.




I have friends talking about how they are constantly questioned as to what their Blue Star pin or flag in their window represents. How no one recognized why they wear a red shirt on Friday. But mostly it’s about how most people just don’t get it.



I had an interesting experience yesterday that I’d like to share. I was meeting a perspective client for the first time. We met, introduced ourselves and then she turned to lead the way into her home. We chatted for a few moments; she was not the friendliest, not rude but a bit standoffish. Since I speak to people and keep eye contact I didn’t see it until she turned again to walk us into her home office and the light glinted off of something on her blouse. I asked her to turn around again and then said, so, is it your son or daughter in the military? She looked at me a bit startled, glanced around her living room; there were no pictures up, then back to me with a big question mark on her face. I noticed your pin, I’m a Blue Star Aunt of a Marine.

Well folks, the smile broke out on her face as she said, with the pride all of you know so well – My son, he’s in the Air Force. Her whole demeanor changed and she just started to talk. After the usually qualifying... which service, how long, where is he, where’s he been, where’s he going conversation she said to me, “You are the first person that’s ever known what it meant”.



When we were done with our business, she invited me back to sit and chat for a bit in her living room. It’s the first time I’ve ever met someone cold that also had a family member in the military and was a bit surprised, happily, to realize that the sense of family extended to complete and utter strangers. We had a common thread that was larger then life, it was vital and it was amazing. It didn’t matter that it was a different branch of service, the commonalities were apparent. We knew without asking that each had suffered through the shock of boot /basic training, the fear of the unknown, the pain of a deployment. We also shared the great pride in our respective serviceman that is the wonderful side of this trip. We spoke about how they have grown, the difference between them and other’s the same age. We discussed the maturity and sense of responsibility that marks them from those in their peer groups. I think about how we are everywhere but this is the first time I had that confirmed. It was a wonderful meeting and it reinforced my firm belief that this family we have found ourselves in is strong and most importantly, we are vital to each other. We should not be an unknown undercurrent of life in the USA, we should be celebrated and respected, not shrugged off or ignored. We are also powerful in our numbers, we can effect change – so what do YOU want to do with that power?

it's March !

I've been reading over my last few posts and I seem to be showing my dark side. It happens to the best of us, how I wish it could always be sunshine and light.  This roller coaster ride we all are on for sure has all the aspects of a real one doesn't it?

I guess I'm tired and worn out and just ready for some really boring garrison months.   I am part of family readiness and while it's a very rewarding position it's keeps one pretty busy.   At this point it also is a little stressful, phones ringing, emails pinging, texts blowing up my phone. It's all good though,  if in 7 months I was able to help just 1 person find some peace, get some information, made their day easier then it's all been worth it.

SO it's March - new beginnings, flowers starting to bud, baseball news ... sunnier days, warmer weather...  today was a beautiful day here and as I ran my errands I realized people were out there smiling.  What a great thing to see after all of the grumpy faces that the long cold winter caused.

this seems a good a time as any to talk about Family Readiness -

Full disclosure, I'm a huge fan of the Family Readiness program, I think as it develops it's going to be an amazing tool for both parents/extended family members and spouses.   It's still a new program and as with anything new it does have it's growing pains.   Some FRO's, Family Readiness Officers, are great, some not so much.   From speaking with other Marine family members I've begun to notice a bit of a pattern, the better run programs seem to utilize family volunteers on a much more regular basis.  Folks, yes the FRO gets paid to do a job but in reality the job is huge.  Especially during a deployment, but even while in garrison the FRO is going hard mostly all the time.    If you have a FRO that does not respond promptly, hasn't been doing news letters, ( while in garrison this would be every few months, while deployed usually monthly),  then consider asking them if you can volunteer to help.  You don't have to live near the base - especially on the parent/extended family side of it - practically no one lives near a base.   What you do is become a point of contact for family members - the less involved issues can usually be handled by a volunteer ( is there a 96 coming up,  can I ship my Marine packages,  what's a good hotel in the area).   To be clear, you are not involved with your Marines Seniors, they don't even have to know you are part of the program at all if that's how you choose to go about it.  It's all about helping to liaise between the USMC/Unit and families.    The extent of what you do is determined by you.   The way to make things better is to do something - not sit home and complain about it!   The other misconception is that it will spotlight your Marine  this is not so, you're Marine will get more attention by an Opsec violating post on face book by you then by your volunteering.      If all else fails and you are having problems with communication from your FRO,  there is a main # on each bases website for the  family's page.   Call and ask for any advice to get the info you need/want.   The success of the Family Readiness depends on two things - one the Family Readiness team but the other is the family members communicating what they would like to see from the team.

In any event, if you do decide to go the volunteer route I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!!!

Walls

About 2 weeks ago I received a call informing me that a dear friends father had passed away.  I've known the family for 35 years and though saddened I wasn't overly so.   He was in his late 80's, his quality of life due to illness was not what one would have hoped and most importantly, had lived a good and full life.   My lack of reaction was not too much of a concern to me.   Then over the weekend I received another call, this same friends brother in law had passed away suddenly, leaving his wife and 2 college age children.   Again, my reaction was sadness but not grief and now I was getting a little concerned.   I am not overly emotional in general, but, my lack of real reaction to this news was off kilter for me.   

I started to get a bit concerned that the constant bombardment of death, of horrific injuries coming out of Afghanistan had de- sensitized me.  Was I actually so used to this that my reaction would be so tempered?    Each DoD announcement I open with dread, I steel myself and, not actually but in theory, open the email with my hands over my eyes, peeking through my fingers like one would a scary movie.  I do not frequent the icasualty website, I just can't watch the #'s rise.   Every time I hear of another KIA it's as if a pin is stuck in my heart - it breaks for the loss, for the service member and their family.  It aches for the death of the dreams - for the end of a future.  Yet I don't cry.

I am far from cold, usually extremely sympathetic and even empathetic.  So what the heck is going on?

Well I think I figured it out tonight.   I went to the wake and as I was saying good bye my newly widowed friend came over, understandably in tears.   Finally I felt it, the tell tale signs that tears and emotion were bubbling to the surface.  Then - I shook my head, straightened up and it was gone.   GONE!!!!  Another old friend looked at me a bit oddly, she had seen my eyes well up and watched me literally shake myself and be fully composed.   Knowing me well she wanted to know first, how did I just do that and second - why ?
We went outside to talk about it a bit and in speaking to her I realized what it was.   I just looked at her and said, "Stacey, if I start I'm afraid I'll never stop".

I'll cry for Blake, Wayne, Gabe, Jeffrey, Cody, Doc... I'll cry for each of the 3000+ who have given their lives.  I'll sob for Matty, Tj, Rod and Ski - for all our wounded warriors who came home, but are learning to live differently.  I'll break down and possibly not come back from the tragedy of  all who are living with the horrible effects of PTSD.   I'll scream at the night for the loss of innocence - for the visions these kids will carry with them all of their lives.  Finally I'll dissolve in a river for all the Gold star and Purple Heart family members out there who had to bury a loved one, who have to watch their child or spouse struggle to make sense of it all.  For all the Blue Star families who have to wave their loved ones off to war with a stoic face.   The longer I'm around my military family, the more  awestruck I am with us all.  

The oddest part of it all is the times I do cry.  I've been reduced to tears by someone inquiring about my nephew, for their concern for his safety.  I've cried at care package packs - overcome at the outpouring of love and support from those there, many of whom do not have a loved one overseas or in the military.  It was a major tissue alert the day I walked into my neighborhood deli and they proudly showed me 6 cartons of goodies to send to my nephews battalion.   I had to leave an event over the holidays as I watched my town's citizens literally pour into a holiday care package donation party - their generosity for men and women they would never meet but whom they wanted to make sure knew Americans had not forgotten them quite literally overwhelmed me.

I'm very strong and I realized I had built a wall to protect my heart, the weight of all the sadness is just too much some days. Now don't get me wrong, I acknowledge the emotion, I feel the sadness, the full weight of the moment but don't live there.  I'm far from an ostrich, I'm actually pretty much a brutal realist.    I had to find a way to not let it color my every day.   So to fight it, to save myself the constant battering of emotion - I just don't allow myself the luxury of giving in - it's the only way for me to deal.    I'm sure the day will come when I sit down and have myself an awesome cry.  This isn't a constant of how I am, it seems to directly relate to dealing with deployment.  So for now, I'll continue to live inside the wall - not because it's safe, it's not - not because it feels better, it doesn't - only because, I really am afraid I'll never stop.

I'm waiting.......

So here I sit, late night once again.  Oh but this time it's different.  This time it's more like when I was a kid and told I was going on a really good vacation - when ? .. soon... where?.. somewhere great.... but when??    When you are little anything other then tomorrow is akin to forever and right now, I've got a foot in tomorrow and the other in forever.

That's sort of how the dog days of a deployment feel.  I know something wonderful is coming, I know I'm really going to like it, the excitement is building but... when ?   I can finally say soon -not too soon but there is definitely more behind then there is ahead.

This Semper Gumby stuff sure gets old quick though.  Yeah, yeah, I understand the reasons for the lack of information, heck I preach it to people myself.  Which by the way is not easy to do - spout the words when you really want to say yeah this stinks.. well no actually it sucks.   A clue maybe?  A hint would be awesome... the rumors are swirling. It's difficult to listen to all the scuttlebutt and not give it some credence.  I know better, but, when you are hearing whispers of what you want to hear .. well then you just want to believe.

All the preparations are starting, the planning, the organizing and the buzzing of anticipation - anything to make time pass.  Then reality sets in and I say, but wait, don't get ahead of yourself.  So much can change, so much can happen and it makes me mad.   Yes I said it, it makes me MAD that even a little joy is tempered with cold water baths of reality.   I think that's the hardest part, not being able to allow ourselves the luxury of just screaming out  Yeah Baby we're almost there.

I'm worn out - weary of cheer leading, of  being cautious in my words, of pushing down the feelings in order to pick up those who really need it.  I'm just tired in general.  I want to skip, give myself permission to enjoy the coming end.  Again, like that little kid I wake up each day and say ... today?  Will I know more today?

In the not too distant future it will be the day - the news will be released, the word passed and I will have the honor of being among those passing that word.  In doing so, I will also have the wonderful feeling of knowing I am part of making others wait come to an end;  of bringing happiness to them by answering the question YES Today is the day!   Make plans, make reservations, get in your car and drive... They are coming home ... Yes Today is the day!

Until then - stay safe, know you're loved, know you're missed, know we are waiting

STANDING WATCH

Right now, all over the good old USA there are hundreds, possibly thousands of us standing watch.   We aren't guarding weapons or bases.  We're not in danger of ambush or attack.  We are standing guard over memories and hopes - over dreams and prayers.   We are wives, husbands, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters .. we're fiances and girlfriends or boyfriends.  We are our own squad, our own fire team.  We are the loved ones of someone in the military.   At any given moment, at any hour, I can find a friend awake, suffering through a sleepless night.  

It starts the first night they leave for boot camp.  We toss and turn wondering if they are okay, if they are regretting their choice.  We wonder, are they still as sure of their decision as they were 24 hours ago?  If they are sad, if they are homesick.   They move on and the night terrors ease, letters start to arrive, they seem to settle in and hey we know where they are and what they are doing...  sleep gets easier.   About 2 weeks before they are due to graduate the sleeplessness returns, it's so close now the insomnia is not out of wondering if they are okay  -it's due to the uncontrollable fear that something may happen to end the dream.  They are so close to realizing it and we agonize for them... please let them stay healthy, please let this goal be achieved.  Please let them graduate!
As they move through training a pattern of sorts emerges, sleep comes a bit easier - interrupted now and again with fears of the future.  Mostly it's settle in time, they are safe - they are training or in school.  Then they are in the 'fleet' - settling into their new home.  
Ah then comes deployment - and standing watch is constant.   If they deploy to Afghanistan our night is their day, bad things happen in the daytime over there.  Sleep becomes elusive, and we rediscover our night time buddies  - I wish we could stand watch in shifts, so that some can sleep.  For me, it's not a night time filled with nightmares and fear.   I don't visualize what could be happening. I simply do not sleep.  I no longer have the luxury of going outside and staring at the moon - knowing somewhere he is possibly doing the same.   I can't send silent prayers through the clouds, his sunshine is my moonlight.  So I stand guard, I'm part of the midnight warriors.  We wander the house, we pray,  read, we facebook, we stare into space.  We think of little boys and girls with toothless grins and cheery waves of little fingers.  Of grown men and women with looks of grim determination waving once last time before the bus leaves to take them far away.

So for all my midnight warriors - know you're not alone, somewhere out there is another one, also standing watch, praying, hoping, dreaming of the night when we can again close our eyes and sleep a dreamless sleep.