So here I sit, late night once again. Oh but this time it's different. This time it's more like when I was a kid and told I was going on a really good vacation - when ? .. soon... where?.. somewhere great.... but when?? When you are little anything other then tomorrow is akin to forever and right now, I've got a foot in tomorrow and the other in forever.
That's sort of how the dog days of a deployment feel. I know something wonderful is coming, I know I'm really going to like it, the excitement is building but... when ? I can finally say soon -not too soon but there is definitely more behind then there is ahead.
This Semper Gumby stuff sure gets old quick though. Yeah, yeah, I understand the reasons for the lack of information, heck I preach it to people myself. Which by the way is not easy to do - spout the words when you really want to say yeah this stinks.. well no actually it sucks. A clue maybe? A hint would be awesome... the rumors are swirling. It's difficult to listen to all the scuttlebutt and not give it some credence. I know better, but, when you are hearing whispers of what you want to hear .. well then you just want to believe.
All the preparations are starting, the planning, the organizing and the buzzing of anticipation - anything to make time pass. Then reality sets in and I say, but wait, don't get ahead of yourself. So much can change, so much can happen and it makes me mad. Yes I said it, it makes me MAD that even a little joy is tempered with cold water baths of reality. I think that's the hardest part, not being able to allow ourselves the luxury of just screaming out Yeah Baby we're almost there.
I'm worn out - weary of cheer leading, of being cautious in my words, of pushing down the feelings in order to pick up those who really need it. I'm just tired in general. I want to skip, give myself permission to enjoy the coming end. Again, like that little kid I wake up each day and say ... today? Will I know more today?
In the not too distant future it will be the day - the news will be released, the word passed and I will have the honor of being among those passing that word. In doing so, I will also have the wonderful feeling of knowing I am part of making others wait come to an end; of bringing happiness to them by answering the question YES Today is the day! Make plans, make reservations, get in your car and drive... They are coming home ... Yes Today is the day!
Until then - stay safe, know you're loved, know you're missed, know we are waiting
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
STANDING WATCH
Right now, all over the good old USA there are hundreds, possibly thousands of us standing watch. We aren't guarding weapons or bases. We're not in danger of ambush or attack. We are standing guard over memories and hopes - over dreams and prayers. We are wives, husbands, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters .. we're fiances and girlfriends or boyfriends. We are our own squad, our own fire team. We are the loved ones of someone in the military. At any given moment, at any hour, I can find a friend awake, suffering through a sleepless night.
It starts the first night they leave for boot camp. We toss and turn wondering if they are okay, if they are regretting their choice. We wonder, are they still as sure of their decision as they were 24 hours ago? If they are sad, if they are homesick. They move on and the night terrors ease, letters start to arrive, they seem to settle in and hey we know where they are and what they are doing... sleep gets easier. About 2 weeks before they are due to graduate the sleeplessness returns, it's so close now the insomnia is not out of wondering if they are okay -it's due to the uncontrollable fear that something may happen to end the dream. They are so close to realizing it and we agonize for them... please let them stay healthy, please let this goal be achieved. Please let them graduate!
As they move through training a pattern of sorts emerges, sleep comes a bit easier - interrupted now and again with fears of the future. Mostly it's settle in time, they are safe - they are training or in school. Then they are in the 'fleet' - settling into their new home.
Ah then comes deployment - and standing watch is constant. If they deploy to Afghanistan our night is their day, bad things happen in the daytime over there. Sleep becomes elusive, and we rediscover our night time buddies - I wish we could stand watch in shifts, so that some can sleep. For me, it's not a night time filled with nightmares and fear. I don't visualize what could be happening. I simply do not sleep. I no longer have the luxury of going outside and staring at the moon - knowing somewhere he is possibly doing the same. I can't send silent prayers through the clouds, his sunshine is my moonlight. So I stand guard, I'm part of the midnight warriors. We wander the house, we pray, read, we facebook, we stare into space. We think of little boys and girls with toothless grins and cheery waves of little fingers. Of grown men and women with looks of grim determination waving once last time before the bus leaves to take them far away.
So for all my midnight warriors - know you're not alone, somewhere out there is another one, also standing watch, praying, hoping, dreaming of the night when we can again close our eyes and sleep a dreamless sleep.
It starts the first night they leave for boot camp. We toss and turn wondering if they are okay, if they are regretting their choice. We wonder, are they still as sure of their decision as they were 24 hours ago? If they are sad, if they are homesick. They move on and the night terrors ease, letters start to arrive, they seem to settle in and hey we know where they are and what they are doing... sleep gets easier. About 2 weeks before they are due to graduate the sleeplessness returns, it's so close now the insomnia is not out of wondering if they are okay -it's due to the uncontrollable fear that something may happen to end the dream. They are so close to realizing it and we agonize for them... please let them stay healthy, please let this goal be achieved. Please let them graduate!
As they move through training a pattern of sorts emerges, sleep comes a bit easier - interrupted now and again with fears of the future. Mostly it's settle in time, they are safe - they are training or in school. Then they are in the 'fleet' - settling into their new home.
Ah then comes deployment - and standing watch is constant. If they deploy to Afghanistan our night is their day, bad things happen in the daytime over there. Sleep becomes elusive, and we rediscover our night time buddies - I wish we could stand watch in shifts, so that some can sleep. For me, it's not a night time filled with nightmares and fear. I don't visualize what could be happening. I simply do not sleep. I no longer have the luxury of going outside and staring at the moon - knowing somewhere he is possibly doing the same. I can't send silent prayers through the clouds, his sunshine is my moonlight. So I stand guard, I'm part of the midnight warriors. We wander the house, we pray, read, we facebook, we stare into space. We think of little boys and girls with toothless grins and cheery waves of little fingers. Of grown men and women with looks of grim determination waving once last time before the bus leaves to take them far away.
So for all my midnight warriors - know you're not alone, somewhere out there is another one, also standing watch, praying, hoping, dreaming of the night when we can again close our eyes and sleep a dreamless sleep.
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