and heading for home it's a brown, blue, green eyed handsome maaaaaannnnnn ( or woman ).
There are few moments of sheer, unadulterated joy when part of a military family. One is the day of boot camp graduation, the other the end of a deployment. Both seem to make me want to dance.. and sing ... oh yes, that old song in the heart that just needs to come out...
One day you peek at your Donut of Misery and can't quite believe what it says... can it be ? Time flashes back to the first day you install it, then open it up and bummer it says 0% gone and a loooooooong way to go to the end. Personally, I treat it like a scale while on a diet, I don't look every day, there's little movement and that's a bit depressing. The one day, magically there's a lot more time gone then there is to go! A little increase in heart rate and a slight weight lifts off. I say slight because there is a whole 'nother level of anxiety associated with the waning month(s) of a deployment. The fear is palpable, the stress almost unbearable. You want to believe that it's almost done, they are almost safe but ... well until all they are standing in front of you it's still hard to take that full deep breath. Sleep becomes even more fitful. Wait now, isn't this supposed to be the good time?!?
A week or so passes and a check list is started, a stop mail date is given, a foot locker magically appears, covered in dust and locked but you know someone you love has touched it. Other's in your unit start to get more chatty, nervous talk but the need to talk is overwhelming. No one wants to speak the fear out loud, you feel the excitement building but it's a cautionary optimism. Which quite frankly pisses me off. I want to jump up and down, I want to scream out IT'S ALMOST OVER! But, nope ... it's still said in whispers, daring to put it out into the universe is tempting fate in a way. So, inside, deep inside the flutters begin.
More items checked off, it's getting harder to contain the feelings, then oh happy happy day, a window! Who cares if it's vague and 3 weeks wide... it's real, unavoidable proof that there is an end to this period of time. Things start to move, plans start to be made and of course, the inevitable food requests start to come in.
Oh to be in Carolinaaaaaaaaaa.....
I digress but it's so funny to me that food is an underlying current to all they do and seemingly is how we can start to mark the end of different periods of time. Boot camp letters start to be solely about what they want, when they want it and how much they will eat of it. Deployment calls, emails and chats are all about - what I want and what to have waiting in the cooler for them. You start to also sense the excitement of coming home building 'over there'. Ends of chats are not talk to you soon, they are a bit more definite, see you soon, see you in a month, 3 weeks, a week, SOON!!!
Over here things feel lighter, they start to take on brighter colors, laughs come a bit easier. 3 week block hotel reservations are made, ( those poor hotel reservation people, they do put up with a lot !), cell phone #'s are exchanged.
All of a sudden there are very few items left on that old check list. The date window shortens, a frenzy of phone calls, daily stalking of the hot line begin. Rumors, oh what would the USMC be without rumors, start - I heard they are coming home on X, well I heard XX , nope I'm sure it's XXX. Dates go out and emails come back, you are wrong, where are you getting these dates? My LCpl says it's X - well sorry ma'am but the Sgt Major gave us these dates I'll be happy to pass on that he's wrong though. Semper Gumby makes his inevitable appearance, dates start to shift and change daily, normally calm people start to get a little bit testy. WAIT , this is happy time no? Apparently not yet.
Where else could an end to something be so happy? Where else do you get ONE day to breath, one day to just say oh yeah, this is a good day? The minute they get on that bus to leave we start the homecoming countdown, now it seems that the minute they step off that bus we start to wonder, how long will we have them for this time? How long before they ship out again?
So enjoy that day of joy, they are far and few between, but when they are here, it is real, it is intense and it is a moment to treasure.
But that one day, it's time to sing... so let's hear it for the boys... let's give those boys a hand........
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Military Family
It seems that I have a, seemingly, never ending conversation with friends regarding the lack of knowledge in the general public regarding the military in general and military families specifically.
I have friends talking about how they are constantly questioned as to what their Blue Star pin or flag in their window represents. How no one recognized why they wear a red shirt on Friday. But mostly it’s about how most people just don’t get it.
I had an interesting experience yesterday that I’d like to share. I was meeting a perspective client for the first time. We met, introduced ourselves and then she turned to lead the way into her home. We chatted for a few moments; she was not the friendliest, not rude but a bit standoffish. Since I speak to people and keep eye contact I didn’t see it until she turned again to walk us into her home office and the light glinted off of something on her blouse. I asked her to turn around again and then said, so, is it your son or daughter in the military? She looked at me a bit startled, glanced around her living room; there were no pictures up, then back to me with a big question mark on her face. I noticed your pin, I’m a Blue Star Aunt of a Marine.
Well folks, the smile broke out on her face as she said, with the pride all of you know so well – My son, he’s in the Air Force. Her whole demeanor changed and she just started to talk. After the usually qualifying... which service, how long, where is he, where’s he been, where’s he going conversation she said to me, “You are the first person that’s ever known what it meant”.
When we were done with our business, she invited me back to sit and chat for a bit in her living room. It’s the first time I’ve ever met someone cold that also had a family member in the military and was a bit surprised, happily, to realize that the sense of family extended to complete and utter strangers. We had a common thread that was larger then life, it was vital and it was amazing. It didn’t matter that it was a different branch of service, the commonalities were apparent. We knew without asking that each had suffered through the shock of boot /basic training, the fear of the unknown, the pain of a deployment. We also shared the great pride in our respective serviceman that is the wonderful side of this trip. We spoke about how they have grown, the difference between them and other’s the same age. We discussed the maturity and sense of responsibility that marks them from those in their peer groups. I think about how we are everywhere but this is the first time I had that confirmed. It was a wonderful meeting and it reinforced my firm belief that this family we have found ourselves in is strong and most importantly, we are vital to each other. We should not be an unknown undercurrent of life in the USA, we should be celebrated and respected, not shrugged off or ignored. We are also powerful in our numbers, we can effect change – so what do YOU want to do with that power?
I have friends talking about how they are constantly questioned as to what their Blue Star pin or flag in their window represents. How no one recognized why they wear a red shirt on Friday. But mostly it’s about how most people just don’t get it.
I had an interesting experience yesterday that I’d like to share. I was meeting a perspective client for the first time. We met, introduced ourselves and then she turned to lead the way into her home. We chatted for a few moments; she was not the friendliest, not rude but a bit standoffish. Since I speak to people and keep eye contact I didn’t see it until she turned again to walk us into her home office and the light glinted off of something on her blouse. I asked her to turn around again and then said, so, is it your son or daughter in the military? She looked at me a bit startled, glanced around her living room; there were no pictures up, then back to me with a big question mark on her face. I noticed your pin, I’m a Blue Star Aunt of a Marine.
Well folks, the smile broke out on her face as she said, with the pride all of you know so well – My son, he’s in the Air Force. Her whole demeanor changed and she just started to talk. After the usually qualifying... which service, how long, where is he, where’s he been, where’s he going conversation she said to me, “You are the first person that’s ever known what it meant”.
When we were done with our business, she invited me back to sit and chat for a bit in her living room. It’s the first time I’ve ever met someone cold that also had a family member in the military and was a bit surprised, happily, to realize that the sense of family extended to complete and utter strangers. We had a common thread that was larger then life, it was vital and it was amazing. It didn’t matter that it was a different branch of service, the commonalities were apparent. We knew without asking that each had suffered through the shock of boot /basic training, the fear of the unknown, the pain of a deployment. We also shared the great pride in our respective serviceman that is the wonderful side of this trip. We spoke about how they have grown, the difference between them and other’s the same age. We discussed the maturity and sense of responsibility that marks them from those in their peer groups. I think about how we are everywhere but this is the first time I had that confirmed. It was a wonderful meeting and it reinforced my firm belief that this family we have found ourselves in is strong and most importantly, we are vital to each other. We should not be an unknown undercurrent of life in the USA, we should be celebrated and respected, not shrugged off or ignored. We are also powerful in our numbers, we can effect change – so what do YOU want to do with that power?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
it's March !
I've been reading over my last few posts and I seem to be showing my dark side. It happens to the best of us, how I wish it could always be sunshine and light. This roller coaster ride we all are on for sure has all the aspects of a real one doesn't it?
I guess I'm tired and worn out and just ready for some really boring garrison months. I am part of family readiness and while it's a very rewarding position it's keeps one pretty busy. At this point it also is a little stressful, phones ringing, emails pinging, texts blowing up my phone. It's all good though, if in 7 months I was able to help just 1 person find some peace, get some information, made their day easier then it's all been worth it.
SO it's March - new beginnings, flowers starting to bud, baseball news ... sunnier days, warmer weather... today was a beautiful day here and as I ran my errands I realized people were out there smiling. What a great thing to see after all of the grumpy faces that the long cold winter caused.
this seems a good a time as any to talk about Family Readiness -
Full disclosure, I'm a huge fan of the Family Readiness program, I think as it develops it's going to be an amazing tool for both parents/extended family members and spouses. It's still a new program and as with anything new it does have it's growing pains. Some FRO's, Family Readiness Officers, are great, some not so much. From speaking with other Marine family members I've begun to notice a bit of a pattern, the better run programs seem to utilize family volunteers on a much more regular basis. Folks, yes the FRO gets paid to do a job but in reality the job is huge. Especially during a deployment, but even while in garrison the FRO is going hard mostly all the time. If you have a FRO that does not respond promptly, hasn't been doing news letters, ( while in garrison this would be every few months, while deployed usually monthly), then consider asking them if you can volunteer to help. You don't have to live near the base - especially on the parent/extended family side of it - practically no one lives near a base. What you do is become a point of contact for family members - the less involved issues can usually be handled by a volunteer ( is there a 96 coming up, can I ship my Marine packages, what's a good hotel in the area). To be clear, you are not involved with your Marines Seniors, they don't even have to know you are part of the program at all if that's how you choose to go about it. It's all about helping to liaise between the USMC/Unit and families. The extent of what you do is determined by you. The way to make things better is to do something - not sit home and complain about it! The other misconception is that it will spotlight your Marine this is not so, you're Marine will get more attention by an Opsec violating post on face book by you then by your volunteering. If all else fails and you are having problems with communication from your FRO, there is a main # on each bases website for the family's page. Call and ask for any advice to get the info you need/want. The success of the Family Readiness depends on two things - one the Family Readiness team but the other is the family members communicating what they would like to see from the team.
In any event, if you do decide to go the volunteer route I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!!!
I guess I'm tired and worn out and just ready for some really boring garrison months. I am part of family readiness and while it's a very rewarding position it's keeps one pretty busy. At this point it also is a little stressful, phones ringing, emails pinging, texts blowing up my phone. It's all good though, if in 7 months I was able to help just 1 person find some peace, get some information, made their day easier then it's all been worth it.
SO it's March - new beginnings, flowers starting to bud, baseball news ... sunnier days, warmer weather... today was a beautiful day here and as I ran my errands I realized people were out there smiling. What a great thing to see after all of the grumpy faces that the long cold winter caused.
this seems a good a time as any to talk about Family Readiness -
Full disclosure, I'm a huge fan of the Family Readiness program, I think as it develops it's going to be an amazing tool for both parents/extended family members and spouses. It's still a new program and as with anything new it does have it's growing pains. Some FRO's, Family Readiness Officers, are great, some not so much. From speaking with other Marine family members I've begun to notice a bit of a pattern, the better run programs seem to utilize family volunteers on a much more regular basis. Folks, yes the FRO gets paid to do a job but in reality the job is huge. Especially during a deployment, but even while in garrison the FRO is going hard mostly all the time. If you have a FRO that does not respond promptly, hasn't been doing news letters, ( while in garrison this would be every few months, while deployed usually monthly), then consider asking them if you can volunteer to help. You don't have to live near the base - especially on the parent/extended family side of it - practically no one lives near a base. What you do is become a point of contact for family members - the less involved issues can usually be handled by a volunteer ( is there a 96 coming up, can I ship my Marine packages, what's a good hotel in the area). To be clear, you are not involved with your Marines Seniors, they don't even have to know you are part of the program at all if that's how you choose to go about it. It's all about helping to liaise between the USMC/Unit and families. The extent of what you do is determined by you. The way to make things better is to do something - not sit home and complain about it! The other misconception is that it will spotlight your Marine this is not so, you're Marine will get more attention by an Opsec violating post on face book by you then by your volunteering. If all else fails and you are having problems with communication from your FRO, there is a main # on each bases website for the family's page. Call and ask for any advice to get the info you need/want. The success of the Family Readiness depends on two things - one the Family Readiness team but the other is the family members communicating what they would like to see from the team.
In any event, if you do decide to go the volunteer route I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!!!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Walls
About 2 weeks ago I received a call informing me that a dear friends father had passed away. I've known the family for 35 years and though saddened I wasn't overly so. He was in his late 80's, his quality of life due to illness was not what one would have hoped and most importantly, had lived a good and full life. My lack of reaction was not too much of a concern to me. Then over the weekend I received another call, this same friends brother in law had passed away suddenly, leaving his wife and 2 college age children. Again, my reaction was sadness but not grief and now I was getting a little concerned. I am not overly emotional in general, but, my lack of real reaction to this news was off kilter for me.
I started to get a bit concerned that the constant bombardment of death, of horrific injuries coming out of Afghanistan had de- sensitized me. Was I actually so used to this that my reaction would be so tempered? Each DoD announcement I open with dread, I steel myself and, not actually but in theory, open the email with my hands over my eyes, peeking through my fingers like one would a scary movie. I do not frequent the icasualty website, I just can't watch the #'s rise. Every time I hear of another KIA it's as if a pin is stuck in my heart - it breaks for the loss, for the service member and their family. It aches for the death of the dreams - for the end of a future. Yet I don't cry.
I am far from cold, usually extremely sympathetic and even empathetic. So what the heck is going on?
Well I think I figured it out tonight. I went to the wake and as I was saying good bye my newly widowed friend came over, understandably in tears. Finally I felt it, the tell tale signs that tears and emotion were bubbling to the surface. Then - I shook my head, straightened up and it was gone. GONE!!!! Another old friend looked at me a bit oddly, she had seen my eyes well up and watched me literally shake myself and be fully composed. Knowing me well she wanted to know first, how did I just do that and second - why ?
We went outside to talk about it a bit and in speaking to her I realized what it was. I just looked at her and said, "Stacey, if I start I'm afraid I'll never stop".
I'll cry for Blake, Wayne, Gabe, Jeffrey, Cody, Doc... I'll cry for each of the 3000+ who have given their lives. I'll sob for Matty, Tj, Rod and Ski - for all our wounded warriors who came home, but are learning to live differently. I'll break down and possibly not come back from the tragedy of all who are living with the horrible effects of PTSD. I'll scream at the night for the loss of innocence - for the visions these kids will carry with them all of their lives. Finally I'll dissolve in a river for all the Gold star and Purple Heart family members out there who had to bury a loved one, who have to watch their child or spouse struggle to make sense of it all. For all the Blue Star families who have to wave their loved ones off to war with a stoic face. The longer I'm around my military family, the more awestruck I am with us all.
The oddest part of it all is the times I do cry. I've been reduced to tears by someone inquiring about my nephew, for their concern for his safety. I've cried at care package packs - overcome at the outpouring of love and support from those there, many of whom do not have a loved one overseas or in the military. It was a major tissue alert the day I walked into my neighborhood deli and they proudly showed me 6 cartons of goodies to send to my nephews battalion. I had to leave an event over the holidays as I watched my town's citizens literally pour into a holiday care package donation party - their generosity for men and women they would never meet but whom they wanted to make sure knew Americans had not forgotten them quite literally overwhelmed me.
I'm very strong and I realized I had built a wall to protect my heart, the weight of all the sadness is just too much some days. Now don't get me wrong, I acknowledge the emotion, I feel the sadness, the full weight of the moment but don't live there. I'm far from an ostrich, I'm actually pretty much a brutal realist. I had to find a way to not let it color my every day. So to fight it, to save myself the constant battering of emotion - I just don't allow myself the luxury of giving in - it's the only way for me to deal. I'm sure the day will come when I sit down and have myself an awesome cry. This isn't a constant of how I am, it seems to directly relate to dealing with deployment. So for now, I'll continue to live inside the wall - not because it's safe, it's not - not because it feels better, it doesn't - only because, I really am afraid I'll never stop.
I started to get a bit concerned that the constant bombardment of death, of horrific injuries coming out of Afghanistan had de- sensitized me. Was I actually so used to this that my reaction would be so tempered? Each DoD announcement I open with dread, I steel myself and, not actually but in theory, open the email with my hands over my eyes, peeking through my fingers like one would a scary movie. I do not frequent the icasualty website, I just can't watch the #'s rise. Every time I hear of another KIA it's as if a pin is stuck in my heart - it breaks for the loss, for the service member and their family. It aches for the death of the dreams - for the end of a future. Yet I don't cry.
I am far from cold, usually extremely sympathetic and even empathetic. So what the heck is going on?
Well I think I figured it out tonight. I went to the wake and as I was saying good bye my newly widowed friend came over, understandably in tears. Finally I felt it, the tell tale signs that tears and emotion were bubbling to the surface. Then - I shook my head, straightened up and it was gone. GONE!!!! Another old friend looked at me a bit oddly, she had seen my eyes well up and watched me literally shake myself and be fully composed. Knowing me well she wanted to know first, how did I just do that and second - why ?
We went outside to talk about it a bit and in speaking to her I realized what it was. I just looked at her and said, "Stacey, if I start I'm afraid I'll never stop".
I'll cry for Blake, Wayne, Gabe, Jeffrey, Cody, Doc... I'll cry for each of the 3000+ who have given their lives. I'll sob for Matty, Tj, Rod and Ski - for all our wounded warriors who came home, but are learning to live differently. I'll break down and possibly not come back from the tragedy of all who are living with the horrible effects of PTSD. I'll scream at the night for the loss of innocence - for the visions these kids will carry with them all of their lives. Finally I'll dissolve in a river for all the Gold star and Purple Heart family members out there who had to bury a loved one, who have to watch their child or spouse struggle to make sense of it all. For all the Blue Star families who have to wave their loved ones off to war with a stoic face. The longer I'm around my military family, the more awestruck I am with us all.
The oddest part of it all is the times I do cry. I've been reduced to tears by someone inquiring about my nephew, for their concern for his safety. I've cried at care package packs - overcome at the outpouring of love and support from those there, many of whom do not have a loved one overseas or in the military. It was a major tissue alert the day I walked into my neighborhood deli and they proudly showed me 6 cartons of goodies to send to my nephews battalion. I had to leave an event over the holidays as I watched my town's citizens literally pour into a holiday care package donation party - their generosity for men and women they would never meet but whom they wanted to make sure knew Americans had not forgotten them quite literally overwhelmed me.
I'm very strong and I realized I had built a wall to protect my heart, the weight of all the sadness is just too much some days. Now don't get me wrong, I acknowledge the emotion, I feel the sadness, the full weight of the moment but don't live there. I'm far from an ostrich, I'm actually pretty much a brutal realist. I had to find a way to not let it color my every day. So to fight it, to save myself the constant battering of emotion - I just don't allow myself the luxury of giving in - it's the only way for me to deal. I'm sure the day will come when I sit down and have myself an awesome cry. This isn't a constant of how I am, it seems to directly relate to dealing with deployment. So for now, I'll continue to live inside the wall - not because it's safe, it's not - not because it feels better, it doesn't - only because, I really am afraid I'll never stop.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
